Winter's Soul
by Kitteness00
Summary: AU. Hunted and despised by the tribe she used to call family, a not-so-human Bella stumbles upon the Cullens one fateful night. When given the chance at a life of love and acceptance, Bella struggles with who she was and who she wants to be. Bellice.
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or the characters associated within it. Only the plot, OC's, and reimagined history/species of Bella are of my own creation._

_Warning: Later chapters will feature gruesome violence and depictions of harm. Dark subject matter will also be present. Bella's not had a pleasant last few years. _

Chapter 1

If you had a choice between misery and peace, would you pick the peace knowing it'd be your death?

If you made yourself cling to a life of pain and heavy judgement because it was expected of you, after living a life of obedience and expected leadership, could you honestly say you'd be willing to die?

Would you give in? End the existence that is a bane to others, just to take the easy way out? Because it was the duty of others to revile you?

I would.

Yet I wouldn't.

I'd wonder how it got to this point, but that would be a waste. I know perfectly well why I'm here, running. Why I'm desperately trying to prolong the inevitable. Am I such a coward for delaying my fate? Perhaps. Others think so. All I know is that I need to get as far away as I can before they catch me. My life, my very freedom, depends on it. Though that all lies heavily on the stipulation that I can actually outrun them.

I never have.

The mocking snarls behind me push my feet to go faster. Padded feet claw and tear up the ground as they race leisurely along, content to let my feeble legs falter and trip. The steady rainfall and dense fog aren't helping, either. I can barely see what's in front of me, enhanced sight or no. It's their favourite game to play: hunt and hound the freak. Push it to it's limits before playing with the leftovers. Oh, they love to bash and thrash around the beloved _plaything._ Who is this poor, unfortunate soul subject to this barbaric form of entertainment you ask? Why, me, of course.

Isabella Swan.

The one who is different from them all, and because of it, hated.

Being different shouldn't have been all that bad in this day and age, but from where I'm from, it meant _everything._ Outcast. Stranger. _Demon._ The moment it was made clear that I am not normal was the moment I became less than nothing. Born to leadership and great things, I had been groomed to take over the tribe and rule for many fruitful years. _Funny how fate changes things._

A sudden heavy weight on my back sends me hurtling to the ground, my face painfully digging into the hard ground. _Fuck! Already?_ I struggle to breathe, to lift my head and gasp for air but the burden holding me down prevents it. Asphyxiation rises as a real threat before sharp claws turned cruel, human hands throw me into a nearby tree. The impact breaks a few of my ribs, tearing a scream from my throat. Harsh laughs meet my cries and I open my eyes to the sight of the two sent to kickstart the Bella-Bash Fest. It always starts with just two to begin the hunt before the others move in for their own pleasure.

Boris, the one who had caught and threw me, bends down and clasps my throat in his hand. He picks me up and slams me like a ragdoll into the tree again, forcing another cry of pain. The other one, Ivan, snickers from behind Boris and steps forward to bare his canines at me. To think that these two used to be my closest friends still rankles deep in my chest. Despite how I know that it is my own fault for this immense hatred, that this is their right, the betrayal still stings. Eighteen years of happy friendship and all bonds of love were broken and tossed to the winds the moment I Morphed.

Life's a bitch.

Electricity shooting through my system shatters my thoughts. My scream chokes off in my throat, the muscles locking together. Boris continues pouring his current into me, his expression gleeful under the torture. I can only attempt to gasp for air as I stare into his cold, pitiless eyes. _What a bastard._ It goes on for a few minutes before he throws me quite forcefully towards the direction I was running in earlier, creating an indention when I land. My arm blocks my fall and dislocates my shoulder instantly. _Oh, God-!_ Pain ripples through my body, intensified by the previous system shock. I make my limbs move despite their stiff and clamped state, forcing myself to continue fleeing. Ivan has to catch me now, and I want to put as much distance between us before he carries on the hunt. Laughter turns to vicious snarls as the two morph and give chase once more.

_Work, damn it! Run!_ My legs keep fumbling and floundering for purchase, all motor functions screwed. _I have not run this far just to fail and die now. _Determined, I finally manage to run again in spite of the searing pain everywhere. Without having to check I know my voice is temporarily useless - it will take a few hours for my body to repair the vocal cords. _Provided I live that long,_ I scoff to myself. A break in the trees appears up ahead and I panic, thinking I've come to a cliff; I scramble to slow down but my reactions are still shot to hell. _Shit! This isn't good. _Barrelling forward, I git my teeth and prepare to go falling to my death. _Shitshitshitsh- Oh. _

A nervous laugh spills from my mouth as I discover my fear was unfounded. In front of me is a broad clearing with a large white house on the other side, the forest extending all around it. The sight is so unexpected and surprising that I halt - nearly falling over in the process - and gawk, standing like an idiot as the others close the gap. There is a group of people standing on the front porch, facing my direction. _What the hell? _I rub my eyes vigorously, sure my eyes deceive me. But as I rub and scrape, again and again, the image remains unchanged. _People don't live this far out of town...do they? _Unfortunately, my distraction gave Ivan and Boris the time they needed to catch up, and I end up flying halfway across the clearing with a considerable gash across my back.

_God, it hurts.. So much pain._ My throat seizes up with my unvoiced screams, and I begin to convulse and cough out blood. The healing process has started and it feels like I've swallowed a handful of rusty nails. That motherfucker Boris knew this would happen - I can feel it in my gut. He's always had a penchant for immense pain. Darkness begins closing in and I cease writhing. Thinking becomes a chore and all I can focus on is breathing. _In. Out. In... Out... Don't think..just breathe.._

"Aw, don't go to sleep on us just yet," Ivan's voice coos coldly, the sound jolting me from my brief stupor. My eyelids feel _so_ heavy, but I know I have to raise them and look him in the eye. To do otherwise would only result in more pain. _I can't..take anymore.._ I force my lids open halfway, gazing up at unyielding black irises inches from my face. Ivan grins maliciously and cups my cheek. "There we go. Can't have the prey sleeping before the main course." His expression is anything but friendly.

I'm pulled to my feet and, when I start to sway, backhanded. The movement heavily bruises my cheek and makes the convulsions come back; it takes all my willpower to keep from spewing blood all over Ivan. He's holding me at arm's length, his grip on my arms crushing. I can feel my bones groaning under the pressure. _No.._ Boris steps up beside Ivan and taps his chin - thinking up the next torture bout, no doubt. I know I'm right when he smiles inhumanly and swaggers closer, latching a hand over my head. My brain is too fuddled with pain and fatigue to try and fight, but the warning bells sounding off make me whimper. The sound is like a blender filled with rocks in my throat's current state, and Ivan slaps me again. A warning to keep quiet.

Boris squeezes and suddenly my brain feels like it might implode. Eyes bulging, I gape like a fish at Boris but he gives no explanation. I begin to struggle, suddenly realizing his intent, but Ivan holds me steadfast. Tears pool in my eyes with sudden hopelessness. _Please, don't. Please.. _A whispered prayer in the recesses of my mind are the last words spoken before Boris begins to electrify my brain. The pain is so gargantuan, so unbearable, that for a split second I watch the scene from outside my body. The expression on my face is one of pure agony, while Ivan and Boris couldn't be happier. If my throat wasn't already bleeding and raw, it would have been from the amount of screams that are just dying to be released. For what lasted just a moment feels like an eternity: floating and watching, detached. Too soon, and yet not soon enough, it ends. I'm thrust back inside myself and the remnants of the pain are the last straw on my body.

As Ivan hurls me towards the house, the darkness from before quickly resumes it's assault on my conciousness. I barely feel the breaking of the wood of the porch as I crash into it, my mind too far gone to fully register the new pain. Snarls, hisses and growls are the symphony to which I fall into blissful oblivion; the beautiful face of an angel with spiky black hair the last sight I see.

* * *

><p>The recesses of my mind are dark and clouded. No matter how hard I try to push through, the fog only thickens and the memories I seek flitter farther and farther away. Despair rises and crests. <em>No. No, no, no, no, no! This isn't happening! This just can't be happening...<em> Everything is suffocating. I can't see anything, can't hear anything. There's nothing. _Nothing._

Wailing with no relief. Anguish without tears to cry. A feeling of acute emptiness where there should be fulfillment.

Consciousness is elusive. Trapped within, I can only hold myself and pray I'll make it out with my sanity.

~.~

Voices slowly filter into the gloom where I am caged. They are musical and soothing, even in the heat of anger as some are. One is calm and authoritative. Another is warm and loving - motherly. A third is harsh and bitter, followed by a sharp fourth. The next is uneasy and slightly accented with southerly drawl, and the last is..heavenly. Soothing, like a balm to my battered soul. I breathe in deep and relax my mental stiffness with the effect the voice brings. It gives me the strength to single it out from the rest, to lie still and listen to the easy, peaceful cadence.

Beautiful.

Several more minutes pass and the volume steadily rises. It's beginning to sound as if they're screaming right in my ear. Harsh and bitter is now speaking with an increasing hostility, and the air starts to vibrate with growls. The sound is so familiar that it jolts me, and next thing I know I'm sitting up with my eyes wide open. Gasping for breath, I immediately clutch my screaming ribs and roll on my side to heave and cough up blood into the waiting waste basket beside the bed. _Fuck, I must not have healed properly. _My right arm throbs with pain, and I look down at it to see that it's in a sling. Examining closer, it becomes obvious that my shoulder is still dislocated. _Odd. That should have been more healed by now._ My back starts burning, as well, and now I can feel the thick bandages wrapped completely around my midsection and back.I note that the room had become eerily quiet during my upheaval and examination - absent even of breathing. _Either everyone's great at holding their breath, or they're not entirely human._ The lack of a heartbeat signified the latter, and as I finally look up, I see that I was right.

Standing all around me in the unfamiliar bed I am in are seven vampires with strange golden eyes. They all meet my gaze with steady looks of their own, some rigid and others guarded; only one is completely at ease. Silence reigns and I take this opportunity to observe them. On the far left is what looks to be the oldest, with golden slicked-back hair. His features are fair with compassionate eyes, and I immediately know he would not harm me without damned good reason. Standing next to him is the eldest woman, with a heart-shaped face and a loving aura around her. She is smiling warmly at me, golden eyes twinkling. From this, I know she also would never harm me - violence is not in her nature. Beside her is a giant of a man holding onto the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. They are fairly aged, but a mix of contrasts. Whereas he is large and grinning goofily, she is small and curvaceous, glaring daggers as if I was about to claw out her perfect blonde hair. Next is a fairly tall man, but lean, with crazy hair that sticks out everywhere. His jaw is greatly chiseled and he's pressing his lips together, a scowl marring his features. Another decently sized man is next, but he is more lean than the other with short blonde hair that is slightly wavy. His expression is curious but guarded. Last is the youngest of the three women and my breath catches as I lay eyes upon her.

A tingle goes down my spine as I take in her beautiful spiked hair and cheerful disposition. She looks to be as if she's holding in a giggle, and as my gaze lingers on her for far too long, I see that I'm right. The laughter that spills from her lips is even more heavenly than that voice of pure happiness I heard earlier. She continues giggling at my gawking self and then dances closer to the bed, impossibly graceful, and extends her hand. "Hi! My name's Alice. What's yours?"

I blink, taking a few seconds to comprehend that _she_ is the owner of rapture personsified, that voice of an angel. Swallowing, I hesitantly raise my own battered hand on my good arm and barely place it in hers. Her skin is a littler cooler than mine, a fact that makes her frown in confusion before it is swiftly replaced with a dazzling grin. I blink again, completely lost to her charm. _Consider me dazzled, alright. _"I'm..Bella," I finally reply, wincing at the shooting pain ricocheting through my throat and chest. And the fact that it grated worse than nails on a chalkboard. Alice immediately frowns and places her cool hand on my burning throat. She looks chagrined and sorrowful as she takes in my relieved sigh.

"I'm so sorry!" she exclaims, running her free hand sheepishly through her hair, barely ruffling it. "I completely forgot your throat was so damaged. How are you feeling? Oh! Wait, don't speak again!" In a blur she leaves the room and quickly returns with a pen and notebook, handing them to me enthusiastically with the pen placed gently in my bad arm. I stare down at them dumbly, holding them unfamiliarly in my hands. Anger irrationally surges through me before I realize that she doesn't know. An ache replaces the anger, the pain an old feeling. I take a deep breath before looking back at Alice. Her head is tilted to side with a puzzled expression on her face, not realizing why I haven't started writing yet.

"Don't know..how," I rasp out, quickly looking away from the horrified and sympathetic look on her face. _I don't need your pity. _Sadly, that last sentence upsets my throat and I end up coughing up more blood - I duck and roll back to the waste basket, disgusted. It feels worse than having your throat clogged with thick mucus, and the twinge of pain in my shoulder, ribs, and back adds to the discomfort. As my bout subsides, a cool hand returns to my throat. I turn to see Alice kneeling beside me, rubbing soothing circles on my aggravated throat. Clenching my teeth, I jerk away and face the others again. _Really don't need your fucking pity._ Glowering blondie and scowling gravity-hair boy look like they're about to smash something. I raise an eyebrow, calmly awaiting the explosion. It ought to be entertaining.

Blondie is the first to break, stepping forward with a snarl on her face. "_Enough_, Alice! Just what the hell do you think you're doing?" she growls, turning to growl at me when she finishes. Alice turns her own frown upon the other, displeased.

"Helping someone in need, Rosalie. If you have a problem with that, you're welcome to leave the room," she replies, a hard edge to her beautiful voice. Something tells me the two disagree on alot of things. Blondie, now known as Rosalie, stares long and hard at Alice, a dangerous twitch to her eye. She grabs the giant man next to her and storms out, slamming the door behind her. I would be chuckling, but my the less-than-desirable state of my throat prevents it. Gravity-hair boy stands even more rigid than he was before, his scowl on full power and directed at me. _Ooo, maybe he'll go next._

When he speaks, his voice is demanding in a tone that makes my skin crawl with the implied meaning behind it. "Alice!" he barks, displeasure blatant. My eyes narrow dangerously at him, not liking how he is speaking at her. He notices my narrowed eyes and steps forward with deadly intent. I merely raise my chin defiantly, goading him to go through with it. _Go ahead, pretty boy. I dare you to take that last step._ Alice surprises me by stepping between us, hands on her hips.

"Edward! Stop that this instant. Last I could recall, you were not the head of the household nor the boss of me. If you can't be civil, you're welcome to follow Rose!" She waves her hand at him then the door in emphasis, inflection beautifully hard. Edward grinds his jaw and then stalks out with such arrogance in his stance it makes me want to gag. I'd love to deflate that obviously large ego. Alice twirls back to my side and returns her hand to my throat. Normally her temperature wouldn't have much affect on me, but because my throat is inflamed the coolness of her hand is greater than my low body heat. _Thank god for that, too. _

Mr. Compassionate from the far left clears his throat and steps forward, breaking the moment. "Bella, is it?" he asks, a small smile on his face. I nod, looking back at Alice. She's grinning again, obviously happy to be helping my woeful self. "I am Carlisle, it's a pleasure to meet you," he continues, extending his hand politely. I lightly shake it, nodding to show I return the sentiment. Miss Motherly steps forward next to shake my hand as well, announcing her name as Esme. She and Carlisle are the heads of the house, she tells me, acting as parents to the rest of the vampires. They are vegetarians, feeding only on animals. _At least they have morals._

The pleasantries are cut short when I start coughing uncontrollably, even under Alice's alleviating touch. My other injuries jerk painfully from the spasms my cough induce. _Son of a bitch! Just hurry up already!_ Alice says something hurriedly and Carlisle steps forward, concern written on his face. He gestures something but she replies sharply, and to my surprise steps closer to me. I can't make out what they're saying through the haze clouding my mind, induced both from pain and fatigue. A particularly violent cough rips through me and I'm sure my throat is about to tear open. Alice, bless her, had the waste basket waiting just as the largest spew of blood flew from my throat and ran like vomit. I heaved and heaved, the pain escalating unbearably until I felt like I was surely dying -

"Carlisle!" Alice cries just as I spit out the last and inhale a sweet, sweet breath free of pain. I gasp for several seconds until I calm, sighing deeply to allow the last vestiges of the healing to clear away. By the time I finish, the curious blonde vampire had left and only Esme, Carlisle and Alice are in the room, looking at me like I've grown another head. I smile sweetly and stand up gently, observing with great giddiness how Carlilse's eyebrows raise as he sees we are the same height. Alice bounces over and takes my hand again, worried. "Are you alright? Does it still hurt?"

I laugh at her eager questions. _Such an energetic little thing, isn't she?_ She looks startled that my laugh comes unhindered and easy, like water in a river. "Yes, Alice. I'm quite alright for now," I chuckle, elated that my voice no longer sounds so awful. Esme and Carlisle step closer and draw Alice between them, away from me. Distrust? Or simply practicality? _Either way, I can't say I blame them._ I stand patiently and wait for either to address me. Really, they have no idea what I am judging by the wary looks they're directing my way, and until they know I'm not a danger to them, they're going to keep a close watch. I'd do the same thing if our positions were reversed. To lessen my threat, I sit back down on the bed and fold my legs under me. Carlisle and Esme relax slightly; Alice just rolls her eyes at their behavior.

"Judging by how cool your body temperature is and the fact that you possess accelerated healing abilities, I think it's safe to say that you're not exactly human," Carlisle begins, face unreadable. All previous consideration is gone and now replaced with an air of inquisitiveness slash hostility. The hostility is a minor feeling, not anything to be worried about, but it's still there. "We initially did not perceive you as a threat from how injured you were, but now after observing your body heal itself, the time for questions has come. You know we are vampires, but we do not know what you are. Never in all my years have I encountered anything like you. Would you mind enlightening us?"

Shifting around to get more comfortable, I nod in acquiescence. "It's..a bit complicated," I mutter, scratching my neck idly. _It's not as if I'll get in trouble for this, anyway - either the tribe will kill them or the vampires will make a deal to save their hides. Whichever happens, I'm screwed anyway so might as well._ "Well, um, you know how shifters are humans that can shapeshift into some sort of animal?" They all nod, thinking I'm about to tell them I'm some sort of shifter. _Wonder how they'll react to the truth. _"It's like what I do and am, but not the same. The mechanics are, but everything else is different." Confusion replaces assumed knowledge, so I quickly continue, "I'm not a human who becomes an animal, I'm an animal that becomes human." I grin sheepishly, providing a good look at my formidable teeth. Stunned silence greets my confession - all three are blinking blankly at me, eyes zeroed in on my mouth. _Cat's out of the bag now... Almost quite literally. _

Alice squeals excitedly and starts bouncing around. "_Really?_ That's so cool!" she bursts out, golden eyes sparkling with irrepressible enthusiasm. I'm tempted to reach out and feel if she's actually vibrating with all her exuberance, but I reign in the impulse and my fingers just twitch. _Is she always like this?_ Esme places a restraining hand on the tiny vampire's shoulder, making Alice still but she keeps the radiant smile on her face. Carlisle clears and redirects the attention back to the bombshell I just dropped.

"Animal? That's..impossible," he murmurs, eyes full of curiosity. I raise an eyebrow, slightly insulted. He quickly backtracks. "Not that I don't believe you," the hasty words spill, apologetic. "It's just that it's technically not possible. Forgive me, I have been a doctor for a few centuries now and so sometimes my thinking is limited. So you're saying this isn't your true form?"

"Yes and no. What you see right now is like..an extension of my inner self. While at heart I am a beast and predator, there is also a part of me that is not entirely animalistic. Thousands of years ago, the ancestors of my kind discovered they could harness this and use it to walk amongst humans. Their animal side was more prominent, however, so it was rather difficult to blend in without suspicion. Over time it has become easier, our predatory instincts more easily trained and harnessed, as well as some side effects such as body heat that either lowered or increased - depending on the climate - as the years went by. Our ancestors were beasts of legend with enormous power that was unequaled and a high intelligence that was unrivalved. I expect the reason you've never heard of us before now is because we've lived in remote areas to avoid much interaction with humans and supernaturals. We don't consider ourselves as supernatural beings because of our history and traditions.

"As a species, we can be very close minded and are very traditional creatures. My tribe has lived in Siberia, mostly in the tundra areas, since the day The Great Ones Morphed for the first time. The other tribes range all over the world, from thick forests to barren deserts. Each tribe differs from the next because of the different environments and prey. For example, because I hail from a terribly cold climate I am better adjusted to cooler temperatures, large gaps in meals, and running on unforgiving land. Because we are predators and beasts foremost, we adapt to our surroundings accordingly and adjust our eating habits. Should we move, that is - it's a very rare occurrence. Colours also vary, but from your bewildered expressions I can see I've yet to tell you just what I am. My tribe are white Siberian tigers, taking after the form of the regular Siberian tigers with a variation that distinguishes us from normal animals. Other tribes _are_ tigers as well, but the species they resemble is different than ours or any other. Any questions?"

Carlisle was wide-eyed, but only wasted a brief second before launching, "Tell me more about this extension thing. Are you saying that you picked this form for your human self?"

"No, I didn't," I corrected, amused. "Because it's an extension of my inner self, it is a reflection of my character and personality. It actually changes over the course of childhood and adolescence, changing as the person does. In fact, if an adult were to change their human appearance would as well. As for what humans call us, there are many different variations, but the most common is _tigri spettrali_ - or, in English, Spectral Tigers. The Volturi were the first to name us, for we have no name for ourselves though sometimes we refer to ourselves jokingly as Werecats. I will admit that our ancestors threatened the Volturi to not reveal our existence. Make no mistake, we are incredibly dangerous and a lot harder to kill than any Child of the Moon. Or werewolf, as you're familiar with."

"What about the birthing and pregnancy processes?"

"Well, we can get pregnant in either form, but to give birth we have to be as our human selves. Children stay as human until they turn eighteen, at which time they will Morph and be inducted into the tribe as a full adult. In the interim, they are trained how to hunt and forage for themselves, how to survive. Lessons on how to handle the beastly side to our natures are started as soon as puberty hits so that they are not entirely helpless when the Morph comes. Back in the days of our ancestors, it was the other way around: birthing and pregnancy as the beast, and learning to harnass the human side with intense meditation and determination. It was considered a high honour to gain the skill, and over time I guess we just evolved."

Esme presents the next question. "I notice you keep saying morph. Is that different from shapeshifting?"

"Essentially, yes. Since we're not changing into something alien to ourselves, it is basically just a transformation. The first time it happens it is Morphing with a capital 'M'. Everytime after that is with a lowercase 'M', because the the first time is really special. The tribe takes you on a hunt with your beastly self immediately to get you in tune with it, and the kill is eaten in a great and joyous feast."

Alice begins bouncing again. "You said you guys sometimes call yourselves Werecats. What are the differences?"

"Aside from the fact that we are not, in fact, human first and animal second?" I laugh as she has the grace to look sheepish. "For one thing, we do not need a moon to transform to our normal selves, nor do we need it to be 'human.' We are bigger, deadlier, and far more intelligent than any cat I've ever seen. As for how we compare to a Werecat, I can't say - I've never met one before."

"If your tribe is from Siberia, what are you doing all the way over here in the states? In Forks, no less?" Carlisle questions next, thoroughly puzzled. My face, previously lit with an inner joy and happiness, deflates immediately and my mood nosedives. _Fuck. I was really starting to enjoy their company. Oh well, it was bound to come up anyway. _Carlisle looks sheepish as he opens his mouth to apologize, but I hold up my hand to silence him.

"It's alright, Carlisle," I say, voice flat. "The reason has to do with me. I'm essentially an outcast in my tribe, and these last two years they've taken to hunting me around the world instead of just around Siberia."

All three of the vampires frown and exchange looks, suddenly putting two and two together. It's Alice, however, that sits beside me on the bed and takes my hand. "Was that what was happening when you stumbled onto our house?" she queries, angelic voice soft and sorrowful. The sound is almost heartbreaking. I nod in response and stare at her hair absent mindedly, wondering if she gets it that way or if it's a natural thing. They begin speaking at vampiric speed and low volume, obviously forgetting I'm not human and can simply listen in if I want. However, I feel lazy and kinda tired so I choose to tune them out and just focus on the tiny vampire beside me. Her features are even more beautiful up close, golden eyes like a miniature and much more beautiful sun. I lean into her and lay my head on her shoulder, breathing in her comforting scent. It's alot like nature, now that I think about it. Bright, open, free - it calls to something inside of me and I don't bother suppressing the purr that rumbles from deep within.

They halt their conversation and stare openly at me, but I don't care. My eyes close and I take another deep breath of that wonderful aroma that is Alice. _Alice. Beautiful Alice. _The purr intensifies and I let myself curl further against her, content to simply rest. After all, I only have a few more minutes at the least before they finally kick me out after once they get it that I'm different. It always happens, no matter where I go - especially other tribes. I learned that the hard way. However, I do deserve it; it's not my right to be free. But for now, I'll let myself take this forbidden succor and hold onto it forever.

Now that Boris has erased every single good memory I've ever had, this is all I'll have left when the vampires return me to my fate.

* * *

><p><em>AN: Beware this awfully long author's note. This idea sprung out at me after seeing way too much of the movies this month. I got _so_ tired of seeing broody, manipulative and controlling Edward getting all the lovin's, so my mind rebelled and threw this at me. I'd always liked the idea of a not-so-human Bella with a different beginning and meeting with the Cullens. Spectral Tigers in italian seems kinda unoriginal as to what to call Bella's species, but I draw utter blanks when naming things. I swear, it is one of the hardest things to do! Beastly Bella is so much better than human Bella, dontcha think? The idea to have her be beast first and human after came from one of my favourite series by Jane Lindskold. Ever read her? Quite fascinating, her story of Firekeeper and Blind Seer. I've read the first book of that series so many times, my poor paperback is practically destroyed. I did the thing in reverse because it makes absolute sense. Absolute frigging sense! Beasts from thousands of years ago managing to find a piece of themselves that is not entirely..monstrous and developing it into a usable thing - that spawned from Jane Lindskold's concept of Royal Beasts. Royal Beasts are animals that are much larger with an intelligence that far surpasses lesser animals, or Cousins. It just hit me over the head how easy it would be for such beasts to evolve and shape themselves; namely, produce this human-like extension of themselves. Add in years upon years to hone this skill and enough time to evolve and bam, you've got Bella's species. And no, I did not steal the idea from the series - it only helped me identify the similiarities and further my own. _

_Bella might be considered out of character, but that's because of the different upbringing. As stated earlier within the chapter, Bella was raised to be the leader of her tribe until the day she Morphed and it became known that she was different. At times she will be headstrong and aggressive, drawing on that ideal that was instilled from childhood; others, she will be subdued and fearful, brought on by the years of harsh treatment and prejudice from her tribe. This is Bellice, if you couldn't already tell from the ending of the chapter :P no imprinting will take place. I just don't like the idea of instantaneous love or affection/pull. I might have made it seem that way, but Alice is just that loveable. So cuddly and upbeat - like a happy cloud :3 before I run off at how much I simply adore Alice, I'll get back on track here and say that there is no imprinting because Bella's species is not supernatural. Their mating habits will be explained later on. _

_Like I just stated, they aren't quite supernatural. It's more like..highly intelligent and dangerous animals with special abilities. Does that make sense? xD; sometimes it's hard to communicate with words what the mind so easily knows. I did leave out a few important things, such as: Bella's differences from others of her species, why they hunt her, explanation of Boris' electrical ability, how long she's been hunted (I don't like her as a teenager so much, hint hint), and a few other things. Can't be going around and throwing all my chips into one pot, now. Anyway, I took this idea as a chance to work on my first person point of view and present tense writing skills. I don't see a lot of things written in present tense, and who knows, I may want to use it for something really important someday. Practice makes better! I'll shut up now and let you carry on; if you've managed to read this far into the note, that is. I hope you enjoyed this first tidbit! I'll have more soon, I promise. _


	2. Chapter 2

_Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or any characters associated within. Only the plot, OC's, and reimagined history/species of Bella are my own creation._

_Warning: There are allusions to rape, and a slight discription of a gutted corpse/disembowelment. _

Chapter 2

_Mmmm, bliss. This is beyond awesome._

I haven't tasted cooked food in years, and by god, it is _heavenly._

Esme was kind enough to cook me a grand breakfast, something that's been absent from my life for some time. I can't comprehend how a vampire can know how to cook, but right this moment, I couldn't care less - this food is fucking awesome! Of course, my wanting to marry Esme's food could just be due to the fact that I've subsisted off of animals and the land for the past several years. Or even how I have no real memory of what it tastes like. Either way, this shit is fabulous.

I ended up falling asleep last night still curled up with Alice. Apparently I have a death grip in my sleep, even with just one arm. Poor little vampire had to put up with being my personal pillow for a straight twelve hours. By the time I woke up, she was caught between being amused and relieved; amused at my sleeping habits, relieved that I'd finally awoken. I did apologize for monopolizing her time, though. Must have been terribly boring to lie still all night. What I don't understand is how she could have been okay with it and not even hit me in punishment. That _is _the customary thing to do..isn't it? Alice had insisted I bathe and eat something, too - something else I don't get. Maybe they want me to be in prime shape for when the tribe gets here so I won't die so fast? _I think I'll ask Esme later, after I finish this delectable meal_. The clothes Alice had given me to wear were simple and elegant: comfortable jeans and a plain black shirt - an improvement over my tatters from before. The other two vampires had introduced themselves as Jasper and Emmett as soon as I had finished with my shower. They didn't have a problem with me yet, as far as I could tell. We didn't get much of a chance to chat because that was when Esme had taken me into the kitchen to eat.

She's currently watching me with utter fascination from across the bar. Alice is beside me, happy and bubbly like she was last night. All the other vampires are off doing whatever it is vampires do - sulking, maybe? _What _do _they do? _Shovelling another forkful of pancake into my mouth, I turn to face Alice. The tiny vampire bursts into giggles when she spots my full mouth and vigorously chewing jaw. I would scowl, but she's been much nicer than people generally are to me, and I want to keep it that way for as long as possible. Before I can swallow enough to question her, however, she raises a hand to stop me.

"You're going to ask me what vampires do, right?" she queries, a wide smile on her face. I tilt my head to the side, puzzled as to how she knew that. _Is she psychic?_ She giggles again and pats my hand. "As a matter of fact, I _am_ psychic. You were about to ask me about that too." Blinking is the only response I can give, so she continues, "I can see the future! Well, the decisions people make and the results of those decisions. The future is not set in stone so my visions are subjective; like, if someone were to make a decision and I get a vision of it, but they end up changing their mind, I might not get a vision of that. Does that make sense?"

I nod and turn back to my food. Eating and thinking go great together - eating requires no attention whatsoever, so I ponder over what Alice just told me as I continue to enjoy this luscious gift of a meal. _Does she know I'm planning to ask Esme a few things? Can she see the tribe's decisions? Had she known I was going to show up last night? Was that why I saw them all waiting outside? _Alice lays a hand on my arm."Is it alright if I ask you some more things about your tribe, Bella?" she gently asks. I nod and finish chewing my food, gesturing slightly with my bad arm to continue. "Why are they hunting you?" _Oh no. _I freeze, tearing my gaze away from her. _She can't possibly know..._ Alice covers my still hand with her own, frowning when I flinch at the contact. "I'm not going to hurt you, Bella. I just need to know why they're so intent on getting you."

The fluffy pancakes I had just been stuffing into my mouth now taste like ash, my appetite gone. I should have known the comfort and hospitality I am being shown would come to an end much sooner than anticipated. Alice is looking at me with this expression of such.._understanding_ that I don't know if I can bear to shatter it. As soon as I tell her the truth, I'll be just as I was before: worth less than the dirt under her feet. Still, I cannot lie to her and nor can I lead her astray. I stand and head toward the living room, needing an easier atmosphere for this..surrender of myself. Alice stays behind in the kitchen for a few minutes, doing something that elicits a low growl from her. I know it has nothing to do with myself, so I wait patiently for her arrive. She twirls in not moments later, that charming smile of hers adorning her beautiful face. That scent so entirely _Alice_ reaches my nose before the vampire herself does, flooding my senses completely as she softly sits next to me on the couch. It helps relax me into a state of almost uncaring - almost, because I still feel nervous about this. Whether they'll kill me for it remains to be seen. I'd hate to leave a giant mess in their nice home from my bloodied corpse.

Alice smiles kindly and asks, "What makes you so different that your own tribe would hunt you all over the world?"

I swallow and fidget with my hands, unsure of how I want to begin. She waits with that same caring look on her face, obviously giving me the time I need to get my thoughts in order. If I didn't know how badly things will end up after this conversation I would be pouring my soul out to her. "A great number of things, actually," I finally begin, refusing to look at her. My anxiety rises to new heights for several minutes, and I wait for it pass before speaking again. "To start, I'm not the same colour as the others of my tribe, eyes included. Um, I'm stronger and slightly faster than them as well. Because of my heritage, I possess great control over my natural ability and possess a few..uncontrollable ones. I, ah.." I pause, unwilling to continue.

Thankfully, Alice is thoroughly confused by what I just said. Her face is adorably screwed up with bewilderment. "Your ability?" she repeats, blinking a few times then tilts her head to the side. "Is it, by chance, the same as that one guy's from last night? The electricity?"

I nod the affirmative and her eyes light up with wonder. "I'm unsure about others of my species, but most everyone in my tribe possesses the ability to manipulate their natural electricity from within our bodies. The bloodlines determine to what degree they can control it - meaning, those who have the most ties with The Great Ones are abundantly gifted. The less you have in touch with them, the less you will be able to do with it. We chose our tribe leader from the one member thousand of years ago who had the greatest connection with The Great Ones, and their children have ruled ever since. It is tradition that the most capable child of the tribe leader take over when the tribe leader either dies or passes on the leadership. This way, the tribe will always be led by the one who is most powerful and most in tune with our ancestors."

"Did your ancestors have this same ability?"

"Not quite. Like our human extensions it was something that very few were able to pull off, and the ones who did became the tribe's deadliest warriors. It was something that required an innate ability to know your own body better than your body knew itself. That may seem like an impossibility, but there were select few who could sense the potential of their own bodies. With several years of training and study these individuals led our warriors and taught them in the art of warfare, as is still the tradition. Our tribe's leader is also the leading general because of this ability being the strongest in him or her. I guess we evolved in more than just one way over the years, because now it is very rare for a tribe member to be born without some modicum of this ability. Any warrior must be proficient in hand-to-hand comabt not just as their human self, but also as a beast; they have to have a decent control over their ability and be able to use it easily, especially under duress; and any physical deformities, such as scars, must not impede on any performance."

Alice suddenly begins examining my body with great interest. I force myself to not shift around under the scrutiny, though the knowing look in her eyes makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. "You definitely have the physique of a warrior, along with the scars to prove it though how many of those are from your hunted years are hard to tell. I am, however, quite sure from what you said about your heritage giving you great control over your natural ability that you are either of the royal bloodline or really close to it. Am I wrong?"

_Damn, she's good. _"Uh..no, you are actually almost entirely correct," I mumble, rubbing my palm on the top of my forehead. "I was born to the current tribe leader, my mother, with her husband as their only child. From the time of infancy, I displayed grat promise with my ability and many of my lessons growing up were focused on that aspect alone. As I began to grow strong and wild, lessons on combat were added next, and when I reached the age of thirteen, my mother began to school me in the art of warfare. Most of my childhood and adolescence were spent learning all I would need to know as a strong and confident leader of my people, alongside everything else I would need to be a proficient member of the tribe alone." The proud and happy smile that spreads across my face is unstoppable, even if I no longer possess the actual memories themselves. My heart still remembers the feelings of immense competence in myself, the confidence I would wear around myself like a snug cloak, the endless joy and honour I felt at making my parents - my mother especially - so proud of me. "My mother groomed me from a young age to take over after her, filling my head with how I would lead our people to greatness and unite the other tribes. She always had time for me, no matter what she was doing or how late it was. I realize I may have made it sound like the tribe has very little time for love, but that is so off the mark.

"We help each other, like the big family we are. Even if you do not know the person in need, you help and guide them the best you can. Familial affection is present in everything we do, especially among the tribe leader's own family. I got along great with my father, not just my mother, and he taught me many valuable things that I treasure even now." I don't realize I'm crying until Alice touches my arm with a pained smile. The look she's giving me is full of so much yearning, of such _longing,_ that I reach out to comfort her without even thinking about it. My long arm encircles her tiny shoulders and I pull her against me, giving no regard to the fire in my ribs at the movement. She leans against me slightly and presses her head into my shoulder. I take a deep breath to bury my own distress - my own needs must always come last. _Always last. Never first._ Her next question, however, throws me for a loop.

"Do you miss them?" That voice of heaven is soft and delicate, as if fearful I will crumble at anything louder. I open my mouth to disagree, to say that it's no longer right for me to miss them, but the words never make it past my lips. Tears roll down my cheeks and I release a shaky breath. _Keep it together, damn it. You don't matter anymore, _nothing_ about you matters at all. _"I don't know my parents," she whispers so low I almost don't hear it. "I have no memory of my human life, not even the slightest glimpse. Sometimes I like to imagine them as kind and loving people, similar to how you've described your own parents. Of course it's just a fantasy of mine - at least you know yours."

I almost choke at that last bit, unsure if I should finally tell her about how utterly _wrong_ I am. "I don't think I'm so lucky," I counter, voice hoarse. "I'm no longer loved by any of my tribe, and the fact that they did and now no longer is sometimes worse than just the fact that they hate me. My father disowned me on the day I Morphed, which is..the day I killed my mother."

Alice whips her head up to look at me, eyes wide. _Best get this over with. _"She had taken me out to the woods alone, minutes before I was supposed to Morph. It's tradition for the tribe leader to take his or her child to the woods and begin the hunt. The act is meant to seal the bond of leadership between the two and solidify the new leader's place in the tribe. Our Morphing happens on the exact same time of day that we are first born. I was born at the exact moment of dusk, so my mother took me away from the tribe's village to the woods at midday to prepare me. We went into the middle of the woods and she had me setup a camp that was on par with her standards. It was complete with everything a person would need to live for a few days. When I had finished this task, she sat me down and ran me through what would happen when the Morph came, and reminded me to not freak out when she morphed and we began the hunt.

"The last few hours of her life were spent sitting with me in this camp, so at peace with herself and the world. It was during this time that she told me this was the second happiest day of her life - the first being the day she gave birth to me." I stop speaking to suppress the sobs threatening to burst from my chest. Alice leans back into me and offers comfort I don't deserve, her voice whispering sweet nothings into my neck. I force myself to take a deep breath and continue. "By the time dusk rolled around, I was more than ready to Morph and finally join my mother in the hunt as a full adult. We weren't counting on things to go to all hell when I did, however.

"I felt tingles sweep over my body when dusk began, the signs of the Morph. But what shouldn't have been part of the Morph was the colossal pain that hit me like a train. My mother kept a cool head as the tribe's leader through the whole thing, calmly talking me through it despite how unusual it was. As my mother, she comforted me and held me close as I sobbed and writhed in her arms. The largest wave of pain hit me when the Morph completed and I..blacked out. When I came to, her mangled body was lying in front of the firepit, her guts and innards lying strewn across the ground. There was so much blood.." In my mind's eye I'm reliving the moment all over again - that dreadful, most hated moment of my entire life. Waking up from unconsciousness and finding your beloved mother's horribly mutilated body in front of you, her blood everywhere and her intestines still lying partially inside of her... Being coated in that blood yourself. It's so hard to continue - _unbelievably_ hard - but I know I must. "I was...covered head to toe in her blood, and she was barely alive. The sheer amount of panic that crashed through me at this realization brought me to my knees by her side, too grief-stricken to utter anything. She looked into my eyes with so much _love_-" I pause again, tears streaming down my face. Alice squeezes my hand. "_So_, so much love, even on the brink of death, that I started sobbing all over again. I wasn't ready for her to die, to leave me all alone with this frightening new part of myself. She slowly cupped my cheek in one hand, smiled, and whispered the last words she ever said: 'I love you, sweetie. Don't..ever forget..that.' And then she was gone. I never had a chance to..to say I l-loved her back, or even goodbye!"

By now I can no longer keep the sobs at bay and they crash through me with the force of a tidal wave. Alice cradles my head to her chest and runs her fingers slowly through my hair. I don't understand it - she should be rejecting me, pushing me away. _I'm a monster...a demon - I killed my own mother._ But Alice never relinquishes her hold on me, never pushes me away or calls me unnatural. My confusions grows with each second until I can't take it anymore. "I don't understand, Alice," the words are broken, empty, "you shouldn't be holding me like this. I just told you I killed my mother in cold blood - you should be trying to end my life because of it."

Alice's movements freeze, the sweet breath of her voice halting mid-flow. _Have I finally gotten through to her?_ I curl into a ball, awaiting the inevitable punishment. _It's only right, for murder of your own blood, to face eternal damnation. _Her question is so quiet, it's barely whispered. "Is that what..your father and the tribe did? Try to end your life because of it?"

I nod into her chest and emotionlessly begin to explain, "It's the law. Anyone who murders another, especially a family member, is sentenced to immediate death. I never moved away from my mother's corpse, and so when they reached the camp hours later to see what was taking so long, their first sight was of my bloodied body lying unmoving by my mother's. They thought we were both dead until my father arrived and searched the surrounding area for entering and leaving animal tracks, but there were none. He approached me, then, and rolled me onto my back. The evidence on my hands, mouth, and arms caused him to survey the camp with new eyes. I was catatonic at this point and could offer no differing conclusions than the one he came to, further damning my situation. The disbelief and vast amount of hurt in his eyes as he announced me as the murderer will forever be seared into my memory, never to be forgotten. No trial was held - the evidence at the scene was enough to convict me. I was taken back and sentenced to die at sunrise, the estimated time it would take to rid me of all ties to my father.

"It is tradition to strike the name of any and all murderers from the records on point of their conviction, as well as severing all familial bonds. I was tied like a dog to the pole in the center of our village and stripped of all decency. The men used my body however they saw fit, another tradition. As a murderer, I was no longer worthy of respect or common civility - in short, I was, and am, worthless. I was still unresponsive at this time, unfeeling, and it is continually used against me whenever my tribe catches me. When my father came out to carry out the sentence himself, my body morphed on it's own accord and this caused great fear among the other tribe members. Just the sight of my differing self halted him in his steps, eyes wide. Instead of being white with black stripes and yellow eyes, I was black with white stripes and eyes of the palest blue. In the tribe's power structure, there is a shaman who holds tremendous sway with the tribe leader. If ever there is a time when the tribe leader dies before the leadership can be properly passed on to a successor, the position remains filled by the dead tribal leader until a child of his or her blood comes forth. Until that point, the spouse of the tribe leader and shaman lead the people until such a time. If there is no spouse, the shaman rules until the child is old enough to take over; if there are no children, either, the shaman would be forced to find the closest relative of the tribe leader and fulfill that position. My mother remains the default tribe leader even now since she and my father never had another child.

"The shaman and my father debated many long hours as to what my would be, and when my father attempted to kill me in frustration, the shaman sensed something in my soul and stopped him. It was quite the show, really - my natural ability reacted to my father's justice, but it was the others I cannot control that signified something extra within myself. The shaman subjected me to many long hours of intense meditation and observation after that, resulting in a brief meeting between her and the old soul that had possessed me. Before you ask, I was not witness to this confrontation - I woke up tied back to the pole the next day. Not much good came of it, though - I was declared extremely dangerous and sentenced to wander the earth for the rest of my days as tribeless. A _stranger._ My father felt this was not punishment enough, and so decided he would hunt me into the ground in payment for the life I took. For three years after that, I was chased and hounded around Siberia until my father decided it was time to move to the states. Another year was spent trying to get across the Pacific Ocean - I actually swam a large portion of it. These last two years have been spent running around the states, and..here I am."

Alice is silent. The quiet continues so thoroughly throughout the house that I can convince myself we are the only two in here. _Of course, you know it to be otherwise. No one actually left, and if they did, you would have heard them._ I soak in the peace and calmly await the coming wrath, all self-pitying tears dried. No one wants anything to do with a murderer; I just have to wait until Alice and the rest of the vampires realize it. _Until then.._ The silence continues for a long time, the passing time noted with each breath I take. Alice does not stir until I have passed a hundred breaths. She gently pushes me up into a sitting position next to her and guides my chin to look at her. I blink at the pained and tear-filled expression on her face, the quivering of her lips. "Bella," she says, clasping my hand tightly, "I can't express how much-"

The rest of her sentence is cutoff by a piercing howl. Alice snaps her jaw shut and growls, a sound that is echoed by at least three other vampires. Rosalie, Emmett, and Edward stride into the room looking pissed to high heaven. For a second I'm sure it's because of me, but a second howl that elicits a few snarls squashes that thought. Carlisle, Esme, and Jasper appear in the room next, looking far more composed than the others. _Enemies of theirs, perhaps?_ I look to Alice to clear my confusion, but she only shakes her head at me. "It's nothing to worry about, Bella - they're just a bunch of werewolves that think too high of themselves, " she says, turning to Carlisle without waiting for a response. "I have no idea what they want, Carlisle, but my guess is they are chasing the path that Bella and those two men left last night. They probably won't believe us, and it's highly possible the treaty will remain broken this time."

Carlisle nods gravely, looking troubled. _Treaty? So they _are_ enemies? _Rosalie growls menacingly, the glower on her face anything but benevolent. "Stupid mutts! It will take _hours_ to get the stench out of my hair," she complains, pacing restlessly by Emmett. _Hmm, definitely some heavy dislike here. But werewolves? I think not. _I decide to chime in, "Those aren't werewolves if they're in wolf form without a full moon." Everyone looks at me strangely, Rosalie halting in her steps. "Werewolves can only become wolves at the full moon - at any other time, they are just regular humans," I explain. Carlisle's eyebrows shoot into his hairline, no doubt wondering why he hasn't realized it before now. Alice pats my hand I turn to look at her.

"Thank you, Bella. Would you rather stay inside while we deal with the intruders? There's likely to be an ugly fight." The concern in her voice makes me blink in confusion, yet again. Instead of addressing it this time, I decide to repay her for her kindness.

"No," I respond, standing swiftly, "if there is to be a fight, it's my duty to defend you in repayment for all your kindness, undeserved as it was." The air becomes heavy the second I finish speaking, and all seven vampires look highly sad and hesitant - except Edward who stiffens and glares at me almost immediately, but for different reasons than my sins. Another howl, much closer than the ones before, signals the arrival of the shapeshifters and prevents further discussion. Carlisle nods reluctantly and gestures towards the front door. I head towards it confidently and quickly test my shoulder's range of movement. There's only a minor feeling of soreness so I ditch the sling and rotate it, pleased with the results. Next, as I open the door, I feel my ribs and detect they aren't quite healed yet - I'll have to take it easy on them and hope I don't pierce a lung.

The porch is still caved in and destroyed from where I landed last night, my blood still staining it's pristine whiteness. Farther out in the clearing, I can see where I had been lying after being attacked by Ivan. On the other side of the clearing a tall, muscular man in nothing but shorts is emerging, flanked on either side by larger-than-normal wolves. _Definitely shapeshifters. _The wolves are crouched low and on guard, snarling and snapping aggressively. One is a russet brown and the other a light grey, both deferring to the man in between them. _He must be their leader._ I gather the man to be of Native American descent, his dark skin a great indicator. As they get closer, I notice he is almost as tall as myself and he is staring at me with open suspicion. I raise an eyebrow and cross my arms, not liking that one bit. All of the vampires are spread out around me, stiff and irritated.

When the man is within polite speaking range, Carlisle steps forward slightly to greet him. "Good afternoon, Sam. What brings you here?"

The wolves snap and snarl, but Sam quiets them with a gesture. "Cullens," he quips, not bothering to return the pleasant greeting. _Cullens? _I glance at Alice standing on my immediate right, and she nods her head minutely. _Hm, I guess that's their last name. _Sam goes on, "We've been following a strange trail all night. It has differed between human and animal at several different points, leading us to believe that they are shapeshifters like us. It ends here at your house, and we were hoping you could..shine some light on this matter."

Rosalie snorts from my immediate left, Emmett placing a restraining hand on her shoulder from her left. Edward and Jasper are rigid on Emmett's left, Edward more so than Jasper. Esme, next to Alice, looks as worried as any mother is when the safety of her children is called into question. Carilsle is calm and collected as usual at his place by Esme, and he wraps a reassuring arm around her shoulders. Looking at the shapeshifters, however, I can tell that anything he says will be disregarded almost instantly. So, to begin my repayment I step forth and address Sam before Carlisle.

I nod at Sam. "I believe I can help you."

He narrows his eyes at me and the wolves snort beside him. This irritates me greatly - how dare they look at me like that. _Show some respect, dog. _"And how can you do that?" Sam queries, his tone reflecting his doubts.

"I can do that by telling you that I was chased here by two members of my fellow species, and was taken in by the Cullens here after the two ran off. They have been nothing but kind to me, and I do not appreciate your rude behavior."

Sam coughs and clears his throat, obviously trying to cover up a laugh as the wolves snicker. My irritation grows. "Really? You don't even know what they are, let alone how they're thirsting for your blood even as you so righteously and wrongly defend them," he responds once he's gotten control of himself.

_Arrogant, much? Time to take his ego down a few pegs. _"I know exactly what they are: generous vampires who do not feed on humans who have taken me in during my time of need. I also know my blood affects them little because I am not human, and that you are shapeshifters and not werewolves. You are also way too pompous and full of yourself for your own good."

This causes him to openly roar with laughter and the wolves roll around on the ground, the russet wolf shifting back into human form. His hair is closely cropped to his head, like Sam's, and he cares little for how naked he is. I narrow my eyes as he says I have obviously hit my head too hard, and that they should just 'end the Cullens already.' _Oh hell no. That's enough disrepect out of you. _Sam is nodding his go ahead when I snarl at them, halting their laughter. Shifters and vampires both turn to regard me with wonder as my natural self fights to defend my honour. _Just a little bit longer._ "I have not, as you say, 'obviously hit my head too hard.' Any shapeshifter worth their salt would know the difference between a human and an animal, and judging by your actions, I can say with certainty that you are pathetic."

The unnamed shifter begins shaking at my words. "What did you just say?"

I let a sneer crawl onto my face. "You heard me. You. Are. Pathetic! Now I suggest you leave before I _make_ you. I will not stand around while you insult these vampires who have done nothing but offer their hospitality."

A growl rumbles through him before he explodes into his wolf form, snarling and snapping. Sam attempts to restrain him, but the russet wolf ignores him. _Mmm, fresh meat. _I laugh condescendingly as my natural self sings to tear him limb for limb. He crouches low, preparing to attack as I take a deep breath to morph. The transformation is seamless and almost painful by how pleasurable it is. The Cullens, previously standing ready to defend themselves, now stare openly at me as I emerge into my beast form. Taller than russet boy, he leaps right as the morph is complete. Snarling in return, I pounce immediately, dark fur crackling with electricity.

_This is going to be fun._

* * *

><p><em>AN: Another long author's note here. First, I'd just like to say thank you to all of you who have favourited, added to alerts, reviewed and read the previous chapter. It makes me really happy to know so many of you thoroughly enjoy this :D Second, I hope I managed to clear some of your questions about how Bella is different. I am keeping exact details under wraps for awhile, so just be patient for that. I realize I made it seem like there's a discrepancy in Bella's character last chapter in how I made it clear she can't read or write yet knows the difference between a capital and lowercase 'M'. My apologies, I know I did not give any clearance on that in this chapter but that's because this chapter was about exposing more of Bella's personality in how she grew up, how the tribe works, and so forth. To address that now, you know how when learning to read and write you start by learning the alphabet? Well, Bella knows the alphabet from beginning to read and write but her lessons never reached that far before she Morphed and her life went to hell. As you could tell, the tribe doesn't place much importance in that particular type of education, and it is continued after the more important lessons are covered (i.e., after Morphing). Next, I hope I did not make it seem like Bella or her species are all-powerful and unbeatable. The _spettrali tigri _would be outmatched and overpowered by humanity's technology if it ever came to that. They have avoided exposure because of their reclusive nature, and also because they do not openly reveal themselves or attack others who do not know of them. The tribe teaches their leaders about warfare because in some cases in the past, they were discovered and had to fight, and also it is really useful and (when you think about) necessary for a leader to know. More of the tribe's history will be revealed in later chapters, and anything I choose not to go into depth upon I may decide to include in a separate fic dedicated solely to the tribe's past (depends mostly on how you, the readers, feel about that). __If ever you feel I have left something out, not explained something properly, or are just downright confused, please do not hesitate to point it out and I will rectify it to the best of my ability. _

_Moving on, I might have missed a few past tense verbs where they do not belong xD; sometimes I start writing in past tense without realizing it, and sometimes I don't catch them in my proofreads. I actually wrote a few paragraphs of this chapter in past tense before I switched back to present unknowingly. This chapter was also going to be from Alice's point of view and the chapters from there would have alternated between her and Bella. I wrote a great portion before it hit me that that was all wrong - all wrong! This is _Bella's_ story, _her _journey, and to have it told from another's view, even if it is Alice's, would not be right. So, if I choose to ever have an Alice-centered chapter it will be for a special reason. Well I think that covers everything. I hope you enjoyed it and I will most likely have the next installment soon. _


	3. Chapter 3

_Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or any characters associated within. Only the plot, OC's, and reimagined history/species of Bella are my own creation._

_Warning: Gruesome character death._

Chapter 3

"_Jacob-_!"

"Bella, no!"

Simultaneous cries by Sam and Alice are ignored as russet boy and I crash together in a thunder of snarls. He is easily toppled backwards by my greater weight and momentum, and I immediately take advantage by pressing down on the lower half of my body to keep him from rolling us backwards. I bite into his neck, tearing straight through the thick, protective fur. His howl of pain is a melody to my ears, his life's blood a bittersweet taste. _Hm, though he tastes mostly of animal his human nature lies just underneath in thin undertones. Not very tasty. _Slightly annoyed that he's not meal-worthy, I tear off a chunk of his neck and leap away. What you don't eat, you play with. A satisfied rumble sounds in my chest at the thought of playtime.

Russet boy gets back on his feet and circles me warily, hatred burning in his eyes. I can tell he's not ever been bested so easily, but still thinks he's better. _Fool._ His movements are practiced and elementary - a sign that his experience in battle is amateur at best. Whatever he has been taught is ill-suited to a fight such as this. Deciding to test the limits of his knowledge, I dart in and swipe at his flank as I circle around to his backside. He manages to barely dodge the swipe but is thrown off balance by my sudden change in direction. I laugh mockingly, letting him recover from the stumble. The snarl he throws my way is petulant at best and downright ridiculous at worst. _He honestly thought I was going to just leap back the way I came? _I shake my head in amusement. He decides makes the first strike this time, running forward with jaws wide open to clamp down on my torso. I easily move out of the way and swat his jaw, tearing a gash open.

Movement out of the corner of my eye is my only warning that others are about to interfere. I whip around and growl, throwing my electricity out in a field around my body; the grey wolf that had just been charging tries to halt his movement in alarm, but it's too late. He crashes into my field and yelps in pain, sending him crashing to the ground as it burns his pain receptors. Russet boy takes advantage of my distraction and throws himself at me as soon as I retract my electricity. Angry now, I snarl from underneath the wolf and roll him over, trapping him underneath my far superior body. The tactics he has used so far are useful against something that is human-sized and not another large animal. Pompous, unschooled, and undignified, these shifters have been thinking themselves as the top dogs.

They are weak.

They are undeserving.

They are _prey._

_No more lording around, pup._ Without a proper opponent, these _children_ have lorded over the Cullens with the threat of death for some reason or another. _They've probably put up with the shifters because they are outnumbered and peaceable. _I dig my teeth into russet boy's neck again, but this time I go deeper and stay there. When he tries to move I shake my head roughly and growl in warning - he stills immediately. We stay in that position until he whimpers in surrender. I shake my head hard again as a final warning before moving away and turning to face the others.

The grey wolf is just now standing from his spot on the ground, and Sam is watching me with something akin to surprise and..great pity. Many more numerous howls sound in the distance and I instantly know Sam has called the rest of the pack here. I narrow my eyes at him, trying to decipher the reason why. I'm given my answer when the grey wolf charges at the now-defensive Cullens, a happy growl issuing from his throat. _No...that bastard. _Astonishment gives way to fury and unquenchable waves of bloodlust, and I give no more thought to my actions as a shattering roar tears through my throat. The grey wolf falters just feet away from the Cullens and turns to look at me just in time to see my murderous form tackle his own.

In the corner of my mind I hear the others of his pack arrive, but I give them no heed. The only thing that matters is tearing apart this _cretin_ that so arrogantly thought he could end the lives of my kind hosts just because his precious _pack_ has arrived. As a shifter, his body will try to heal itself and will remain alive long enough for my plans. _Kill. Kill. Kill. _I go for his tail first, ripping it away with practiced ease. Next, I claw him open from chin to ass, delighting in the spray of blood that follows. _Kill. Kill. Kill. _All of his insides lie inside, just waiting to be torn apart and eaten. Gurgling whimpers of pain both soothe and goad me on, thoughts of his suffering the only thing going through my mind. The blood that pumps through his veins calls like a siren to me.

_Kill._

_**Kill.**_

_**KILL!**_

The liver is the first to go, landing in a bloodied heap beside Sam; then his spleen, small intestine, large intestine, pancreas, and then suddenly I'm digging into him with such voraciousness that his blood bathes the immediate surrounding area. I tear off his paws, then his arms, his legs, his ears, his tongue-! until his heart is just barely, _barely,_ pumping. I lick up the last drops of blood it spills before pulling it out viciously, looking into his eyes as the light inside flickers and dies. The taste of his beating heart on my tongue is a clash of sweetness and bitterness - just like his blood. Lastly, I rip out the spine and rib cage, throwing them far away with a victorious roar. I close my eyes and breathe in deeply the stench of death and blood, committing the event to memory. Other scents filter into my senses as I calm down, the bloodlust sated and fury abated.

When I open my eyes, it is to a scene of disgusted amazement and pained despair. The shifters are in their human form and rolling around on the ground as they weep for their lost brother. I count about twenty in all as I take them in, including Sam and russet boy. Looking towards the last two, I see Sam is on his knees with tears openly streaming down his face. He seems so defeated that I feel no urge to make him cower, or rip him to pieces like I just did to his packmate. Russet boy looks like a lost and scared little boy, unsure of his place in the universe as he stares at the bloodied and torn thing that had been his friend. I dare not look at the Cullens yet; the shifters need seeing to first.

I walk calmly towards Sam until I am towering over him; blood drips and oozes steadily from my front onto his face. He is still at first, but as the drops continue to fall, he flinches and attempts to move away. I growl at him to keep him in place - this is his punishment for insulting me and attacking those under my protection. After his second escape attempt, he finally stays put and begins trembling in disgust and anguish. I open my mind and push my words into his own, needing the words to be heard:

_"Take your pack and leave. If you ever return, I will not hesitate to tear you apart like I just did to your packmate. The blood I leave on your face is my punishment to you for not heeding my warnings to stay away. His death is on your hands, and your hands alone, Sam. Your shifters are weak, and you are so high on your powertrip that you have failed to realize the true importance of family and what it means to lead. I do not know why you bear such hatred for the Cullens, but I will not tolerate unjust actions against them. They have not shown to be anything but kind and helpful. You are worth my time no longer - begone from here, before I change my mind."_

Sam gasps as I speak, swallowing thickly when I finish. His legs are weak as he stands, and with trembling hands he helps russet boy stand as well. With a nod of acquiescence to me, he turns and leaves, gesturing to the pack to leave. I watch them until their footfalls are too far away for even my ears to hear. Thunder breaks the thick silence that coats the clearing, and I look up to see heavy stormclouds gathered. A raindrop lands on my face followed by another, and another, until it's raining in full. _I wonder why I didn't notice them before. The lack of sunlight certainly helps the vampires keep their secret from unsuspecting humans. _

I slowly turn around and approach the house, apprehensive to how I'll be received. The Cullens are just as I left them: standing in line across the length of their porch. A look of amazement is present on all faces, but a second emotion differs per person. Carlisle and Esme seem horrified, and I feel shame bubble up at their impending disappointment. Alice seems..unfathomably sad, her golden eyes meeting my own. I look away before I can see the same disappointment I'm sure are in Carlisle and Esme's by now. Rosalie and Emmett seem oddly proud, though there is a touch of disgust in the former and jealousy in the second. Edward is fearful, though of what I can only _imagine._ His expression is the most pleasing, with Jasper's being the most indecipherable. If I'm seeing right he looks frustrated, but for what I cannot know.

They all continue to stare at me in the pouring rain, it's cleansing waters washing away the evidence of my violent nature. I can sense their hesitance to come near me, the fact making me oddly sad. It is what I wanted from the beginning: for them to realize I am nothing but a murderer, and that I deserve nothing but their absolute worst. But at this moment I realize there's been this _hope_ building up inside of me. Hope that for once I'll be able to escape my sins and feel loved again; hope that I can atone and be forgiven; hope, that I will be absolved and freed of this torment.

_Hope..what a strange thing to feel after all these years. _Something that I never thought to ever feel, and seeing the expressions on the Cullen's faces makes this newfound hope flicker and die. If even they cannot grant me what I so wrongly seek in the face of my true self, then I am truly a demon to be reviled.

I turn to leave and seek out my tribe to face my fate, but a tiny hand grabbing onto the fur on my side stops me. Alice's worried and pained face is looking up at me, the raindrops on her skin shining like tears. "Please don't go," she whispers up to me. Her fingers are running gently across my fur like a heartbreaking caress. "You will suffer so much. Please, I beg of you - stay here." I don't know what to make of her words. _Does she actually care for me after seeing what I'm capable of - how monstrous I am?_ "The tribe is livid at how you escaped the other two from last night. You'll be tortured to death if you go!"

A desire to ease her pain surges through me. It is so strong that I cannot resist it's pull. _"Don't worry about me,"_ I project into her mind, looking deep into her eyes. They are wide in surprise. _"I have faced their torture many times over the years. It is their right and my just punishment for being the monster that I am."_

Alice's eyes glisten at my words and she buries her head into my chest. I don't understand what she's doing until I feel her shaking, seconds before I hear her sobs. "I don't care!" she wails, her voice choked with emotion and full of pain. "It is _not_ just punishment, and you are _not_ a monster! Judged, misunderstood, and wrongfully pursued you may be, but never a monster." The sobs die in intensity, but the sorrow laced within them heightens. "I had a vision the moment you decided to leave - it was so horrible, Bella. I watched as you screamed and cried and writhed in pain - for _days_, without stop. They continued to hurt you, over and over, and damn it, I won't let you subject yourself to that!"

The genuine concern pushes me off balance. _It's not... I can't... This isn't..._ My thoughts won't organize properly. Alice's sobs break my heart so much that I decide to give in to her pleas. Sighing, I sit back and draw her closer, wrapping a large arm around her small, fragile body. She presses closer and clings tighter, as if she is fearful I am about to run away.

'_Don't cry, little one.' _

The voice of my mother sounds from my memory, climbing from depths I thought locked away by Boris. A shuddery sigh leaves me as I recall the heartfelt moments she had comforted me with those words. They all lack the warmth and picture of an actual memory, but the information is still there...like it's just a fact and nothing else. The knowledge alone causes tears to pool and run down my face, catching on my whiskers and mixing with the rain. _"Don't cry, little one," _I say to Alice, sharing the sincere words of my childhood.

She just holds me tighter.

* * *

><p>In the warmth of the house, Esme hands me cup of steaming hot cocoa to drive away the chill of the rain in spite of my protests. She had just smiled at me and quietly walked into the kitchen when I told her colder temperatures don't really affect me. I guess being a mother to vampires doesn't really allow for caring moments such as this. The cocoa is rich and thick as I swallow, and I decide it's not such a bad thing to humour her. <em>Besides, it's the least I can do after what they have done for me so far.<em> She'd given me some more of her clothes after most of her shock had worn off, to replace the ones I had shredded when fighting the shifters. A simple tanktop and shorts were all I had asked for - sometimes more makes me feel..stifled.

This human form may be a part of myself, but I will always be a beast - first and foremost - in heart and soul. To be my normal self is freeing; being human sometimes feels like I'm stuffing myself into a cage.

Alice refuses to leave my side, her cheery personality distorted with a heavy sadness. Even now she is glued to me as we sit on the couch in the living room, surrounded by her family. I can tell they have no idea how to treat me - few have said anything to me. Esme is as kind as she was this morning, if a little unsure. Emmett had given me what he called a 'high five' once I had switched back my human self, but has said nothing since. Edward is rigid, as is normal, though his childish glare is directed at some random wall instead of me. I think if he ever _does_ deign to speak to me, it will be to mock and scathe with piteous words and thus is not worth my time. He is not open as the others are. To act in such lowly ways is not becoming of him; he is like a child that refuses to grow.

Carlisle has been studying me with open curiosity, the result of his physician's mind no doubt. Jasper has done much the same thing, but it is more suspicious and awed than Carlisle's. As for Rosalie, she won't look at me much. I don't know if I have offended her, and I truly hope that is not the case. _Perhaps later I can convince her to let me make up for my transgression. _

To my surprise, Emmett is the one to break the terse silence:

"You smell..wet," he says, nose scrunched up in confusion. _Huh?_ I eye him warily, wondering if he's gone insane. But when I look at the others around me, I can see them nodding in agreement.

"Wet?" I repeat, just barely resisting the urge to point out that it's _raining_ outside and we had been caught in the downpour.

Alice chuckles softly next to my ear. "That's just putting it simply..and bluntly," she teases, the darkness in her eyes receding. "What he's trying to say is that you smell like..fresh-fallen snow on a winter's day. Like moisture, and purity. Pure and light like a frosty chill in the air. Wet..like winter."

"Winter? Pure?" I tilt my head in confusion. How could a damned soul like me smell _pure_?

Alice lifts her hand from where it's wrapped around waist and brushes her fingers lightly against my cheek. "Yes - pure and free like the glittering, unique snowflakes that fall in the winter." Her voice is soft and warm as she speaks, a newfound light in her eyes growing. "Like a winter's soul," she whispers, gaze never leaving mine.

I am captivated by her eyes. "Why are you telling me this now?" I whisper back, just as softly.

"We haven't been able to smell much of you before now," Esme answers, walking over and sitting next to me to run her fingers through my hair. I tear my eyes from Alice's and look into Esme's warm, glowing ones. "Everything about you is muted. Jasper is an empath and can manipulate emotions, but he can barely feel anything from you..and that's when he really focuses and singles you out from everyone else. Edward can read minds," the vampire in question growls and shifts his scowl to another random wall, "but your thoughts seem to be running on an entirely different channel. He can't pick much up from you, either, and the only time he can is when he also focuses on just you. Even so, however, it's always just a flicker of a thought. Nothing substantial like he's used to.

"Alice told you about her ability to the see future. What she didn't mention is that the shifters you just drove off are completely blocked from her. She can see nothing when they're around or make the decision to come." She pauses, smiling warmly. "You are very muted in her visions. The image is blurry and fluctuates from semi-clear to complete blurriness, and it's the same with the dialogue. Sometimes it's loud and easily heard, sometimes it's low and indiscernible. As for your scent, it has been almost too..concealed until now, for lack of a better description. I suspect the rain has brought it out. It's almost like you're entire being is wrapped in thick, protective layers."

I frown in thought, mulling over her words. "What about in my normal form?"

"Everything gets completely blocked off then," Alice pipes in, returning my attention to her. "Well, except for my visions. It actually seemed a little better, then, when I got the vision of you and your tribe earlier." The sadness returns to her eyes at the memory, and she burrows back into me with the exuberance of a frightened child seeking comfort from her mother. I sigh and rub gentle circles on her arm.

Carlisle coughs diplomatically. "Speaking of scents, your sense of smell must be highly tuned, yes?"

"That's correct. I'd say it's as strong, if not more, than your own vampiric one."

"Really?" His eyes are shining with that scientific questioning again. I suppress a smile. "How do we smell to you?"

I take a deep breath to catalogue and identify the different, unique scents swirling around the room. "For all of you, there's an identifying.._cool_ feeling, but the individual parts are stronger just underneath that. Um, you, Carlisle, smell like..forced cleanliness, blood, and paper." The eyebrows on his head shoot up, no doubt expecting an entirely different answer. "Esme's scent is..warm. She's inviting, delightful, and soft - like the sun...or flowers. Emmett's is very strong, yet has an almost gentle undertone. Reminds me of a cookie, really." Emmett snorts and I smile at him. "Rosalie has a tangy, edged scent - like acidic fruits. Jasper is quite..earthy. There's a wheat-like texture to his, and it's very controlled.

"Edward's is fleeting yet harsh, almost bitter." Edward snaps his teeth together and I chuckle. "It's like soured milk but toned down alot, and the most unpleasant out of everyone's. And Alice's is..." I trail off, waiting for the little vampire to peer up at me. She looks almost scared at what I will say, and I smile tenderly at her. "It's freedom," I whisper, breathing deeply to take it in at it's source. "It's wild and free..untameable - like the wilderness."

Alice's eyes are wide, the murkiness once again fading. Esme's fingers continue running through my hair, and I almost feel like I could live here and be loved. Almost. _I can't live here, even if I wanted to. I don't deserve it. _The sound of the rainfall against the house is interrupted only by bouts of thunder in the quiet.

"That's..incredible," Carlisle whispers. "It's far detailed more than what we are able to pick up. Astounding really. Tell me," his voice grows excited, "do you possess telepathy like the shifters? I noticed you communicating with Sam and Alice with no words spoken, and I was wondering if that's something else your species can do you?"

_And there he goes with the questions again. _I chew my lip for a minute. "No, not really. It's just something that the tribal leader's family can do, and it only developed in more recent years. Verbal communication is unnecessary in our normal forms because, obviously, we are beasts. Our language is body language, with the well-known additives of growling, snarling, and other voiced things. I guess it was just something else that happened out of necessity - sometimes communication between other beings and our tribe has been necessary. Conversing in our nomal form is more intimidating and blunt than as a human."

Carlisle nods, almost disappointed. "What about your fighting skills? You didn't subdue Jacob like you did Paul."

"Paul?" I ask, confused. "You mean the grey wolf?"

He nods, and I guess that Jacob is russet boy.

"I see - I only stopped him like that because he was trying to interfere. It is frowned upon to do so in a one-on-one battle, and it is customary for one or both opponents to stop the intruder immediately. A similar reason is why I didn't do the same to Jacob. It is dishonourable and shows you a coward and incompetent warrior to force your opponent into surrender. I'm sure you heard Alice earlier today when she guessed I was trained in combat growing up. A good leader is proficient in combat, but an excellent one is also honourable.

"One thing you don't know about my tribe is that tournaments are held monthly to hone the battle skills and gather invaluable experience. There are times when contestants are gravely wounded, but no one has ever died in a tournament to my knowledge. The rules strictly forbid inflicting mortal wounds, and anyone that does is considered a murderer and put to death on the spot. Only one type of tournament is an exception to that rule, and it is the tournament the tribe holds for whenever I am caught in the hunts." The sharp gasps around the room are expected, and my eyes unfocus a bit as I remember all the times I was forced to participate.

"I gained most of my normal form battle experience during these tournaments," I absently resume. "What they would do is pit me against the other warriors, sometimes more than just one at a time. If I let myself be beaten, I was subject to the abuse of their choosing for being cowardly. If I won too many battles, or even the whole tournament, the punishment would be just as bad if I had lost intentionally, but would last much longer. If I lost while trying, then they'd simply halve my punishment time but not lessen the extent of it."

Alice presses her head back into my shoulder. I can feel her distress at my words and decide to not say anything more. Everyone else seems taken aback that I would let myself be subject to such treatment, but it's my fate for the crimes I have committed against my tribe. Anything less would be a slight on the tribe's honour and even more so on mine. Exile I may be, but I still love them with all my being; I could never go against them, not only because of that, but because it is exactly what I deserve.

I told Alice I wouldn't return to my tribe, but I didn't mean indefinitely. Just long enough to repay her and her family for their kindess. Afterwards, I will return to my tribe and accept the next punishment. If it's to go to my death, then so be it.

_No matter what I may yearn for. _

* * *

><p><em>AN: You all thought it was Jacob I was going to kill off, huh? Nooope. I've always thought Paul to be most unpredictable of the shifters, particularly in his temper. Jacob is almost as bad, granted, but I think he has more control than Paul. The battle scene didn't last long because Jacob pushed her instincts a little too far, and she reacted accordingly. The attempted interference by Paul also pushed her to end it. The death of Paul is so gruesome because, honestly, Bella is a beast. Not human, beast. Between animals, it's survival of the fittest - kill or be killed. In wolf packs, sometimes wolves who fight the alpha for power end up dying. For Bella, Paul's death was not a murder but a message sent loud and clear to the shifters in the bloodbathed loss of her prey. Killing prey is not murder, but a natural occurrence, and so she does not feel she has to repent for it. __I hope, once again, that I didn't make her species sound all-powerful and invincible. I also hope I'm getting her differing mindsets across correctly: hunted and hated exile who accepts her punishment because she believes it's all that she deserves, and the proud and strong leader born and groomed to take over her tribe. __If the saying _'...because I deserve it,'_ and anything else similar to that is starting to get annoying, I apologize. I'm trying to show how much she regrets what happened to her mother and how badly she feels about it, despite how it isn't her fault (not that she or the tribe know that...). Also I tried to get in why she doesn't fight back to her tribe. Love, strict adherence to the rules and guidelines she grew up with even as an exile, the hate she has for herself, and just the most basic fact that she is greatly outnumbered._

_The way I described the scents through Bella's perspective is due to the fact that when I smell someone, I don't detect exact flower names and whatnot, but hard-to-describe textures that I can only compare to things that I know of. In so many things I read today, a person's scent is described in exact detail and, I just don't understand that. We know an orange smells like an orange, but what would you compare it to if you'd never smelled one before? If any of the Cullens seem out of character, or you feel like some are just not getting the screen-time they need to explain some things (like Edward's issue with Bella), I'm getting there. As for the La Push wolves, I never intended for them to be arrogant jerks, but then I thought of how they would be without Bella in their life at some point to help lighten their hatred and prejudice to vampires. There would be nothing telling them not to take the Cullens out, and as soon as the pack grew big enough, I imagine they'd be consumed with their hatred so much that they'd break the treaty and just all-out attack our beloved vampires at the slightest hint of trouble (in this case, the arrival of Bella through the hunt). Plus, I grew to hate Jacob in the books. Really don't like him, but I hate Edward more and I really dislike colouring how a character is displayed through my own thoughts about them. I couldn't resist beating on Jacob a little, and I don't plan on him and Bella becoming buddies. _

_I like toying around with the tribe's dynamic - it's alot of fun to create and mess around with. I imagine them as age-old, with the beliefs of honour and duty held above all else except that of family. They are very, very close-knit, which is why murder is treated so harshly. Their village in the tundra of Siberia is wide open and modernized to keep it hidden from the rest of the world, but still has that..almost primitive feel to it - that's how I see it in my head. Everything they teach to their children is what they'll need to survive among the tribe, the wilderness, and others of their species. Not how to interact and get on with the rest of the world - except, perhaps, for the tribe leader's child for the sake of necessity should the need arise. _

_Anyway, another long author's note has come to an end. I tried to cut down on my paragraph size (thank you for pointing that out, shabbacabba) xD; it's hard to notice how big they get as I get carried away. I hope you enjoyed it! Thank you to all you readers, reviewers, alert-ers, and favourite-rs - you guys rock :D_

_P.S.: To secrets87, it just comes to me as I let my mind wander, but I have to think about how I want it all to come together and connect in a way that makes sense. Alot of the time, new ideas will come up while I'm writing and I'll add it in and make it all mesh seamlessly (or what I hope is seamless). It's so much fun._


	4. Chapter 4

_Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or any characters associated within. Only the plot, OC's, and reimagined history/species of Bella are my own creation._

Chapter 4

Whenever someone would ask me if I was alright, back in the days before I met the Cullens, I never knew how to respond. There was always a split-second hesitation on whether to give them the whole, uncensored truth or take the necessary way out and lie. Honesty was bred into me from the moment I learned to speak, and to have to lie, willingly, about something so _normal_ and _usual_ always made me feel sick to my stomach. It felt like an affront to my mother and all the lessons she spent so much time giving to me, about etiquette and the consequences of lying. But I could never give the truth. Humans wouldn't understand.

But this time, it's Alice that has asked the question.

I feel that same hesitation as she peers up at me in concern, her body still solidly squished against my own. Determining whether to lie or tell the truth - the decision already made before the question was even asked - is no longer a necessity here. Among the Cullens, I shouldn't have to worry about what I can or can't say - they are vampires, and have already proven that understanding is a part of their nature. They already lie outside the bounds of human knowledge, and I shouldn't still have this habit of lying.

Is it so ingrained that I can't stop it, even if I want to? _Do_ I want to?

The answer isn't so simple anymore.

"I'm alright, Alice," I reply, watching the rain from the far window in the kitchen. She scoffs quietly and mutters something under her breath too quiet for anyone else to hear. Rosalie snickers and Emmett grins, however, as if they knew exactly what she was saying. I ignore them and everyone else still in the room, as no one has left since our discussion is not over yet. Why this continuous break, you may ask? I haven't the slightest idea. _Not even a little. _

Alice still hasn't even moved an inch. I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy her close presence, but, it is puzzling how...comforting she is to me. It feels like a human attachment, something my species and I never experience. Interesting? Yes. Confusing? Definitely. What I wonder, is if vampires can feel human attachments as well.

Carlisle coughs and directs the attention back to the halted conversation. "There's something we've been meaning to ask you, Bella," he begins, as serene as a beautiful statue. His legs are slightly crossed with his hands clasped on top of one knee. "I don't believe we understand everything. You said earlier today that your father had decided to hunt you into the ground, but you never said if it was the entire tribe or just a select few plus him." The unasked question hangs in the air as thunder ripples through the clouds, sparing me from answering for a few seconds.

"No, it's not the entire tribe. It would be detrimental to them as a whole to pursue one outcast, no matter the crime." I watch a brilliant streak of lightning flash brightly, and then fade away. "My father asked for volunteers to join him in his righteous task, and he selected the best and most dedicated hunters from the many who put themselves forth. A great number were left as protection for the village, you see. Even in times of peace, we must always be prepared for war." The familiar words fall effortlessly, but they taste bitter in my mouth. _What would you do if you could see me now, mother? Would you be angry that I still use your lessons? Proud? Disappointed...?_

My eyes are dry. "Every capable adult is knowledgeable in combat and would not be helpless in the event of an attack of some sort. Those who train to be warriors of the tribe are the first line of defense despite this, despite everything else. The future and safety of the people come first, no matter what. Only in a very dire situation would everyone fight to their last breath."

Alice's grip on my hand tightens. I ignore it.

"What about the children? Surely they don't fight as well!" Esme strokes my hair unconsciously now, as if she's afraid I'll run off and get myself impaled the moment I'm free of her touch. It makes me want to weep, the motherly gesture reminiscent of the one I lost years ago.

"That would depend on if an attack would happen at such a time that there are children."

Esme's frown is a heavy feature on her otherwise kind face. "I don't think I understand."

"Like all beasts, we have our own mating season. Any engagement in sexual activity outside of this time will not result in pregnancy, the reason being so that passions will not be hindered and constrained to just this time. To be mated is a great joy." I've never seen someone look so embarrassed and amused at the same time - though the embarrassment seems as if it's for someone else. _Me?_ "The practical reason for this is so that all children will be roughly the same age and take the same classes at the same time. Feelings of companionship are encouraged, as is strong teamwork. The tribe must work together as a whole to prosper." More bitter words.

Everyone looks thoughtful at this latest revelation, even as it tears into me. A part of me can't stand the pity I can see forming in their eyes, the way they keep looking at me from the corner of their eyes. It's too much. _I need to get out of here soon. But first..._ "Hey, guys," I begin, looking at Carlisle. "I've been meaning to ask you something."

Carlisle's answering smile is gentle. "Ask away."

"Last night when I ran here from Ivan and Boris, what happened after I passed out?"

Emmett, surprisingly, coughs and rubs the back of his head awkwardly. In fact, everyone else averts their eyes from me as well and start to look...sheepish, of all things. I raise an eyebrow and turn to Alice for an answer, but she too won't look at me. "Alright, what aren't you telling me?" I try not to let my voice sound too demanding, but my authoritative upbringing rears it's head.

"We're not hiding anything, Bella," Esme responds, her expression amused. "It's just a matter of...pride."

"Pride?" _Honestly..._

Rosalie huffs and flips her hair arrogantly, making Emmett chuckle. He grins and responds, "Yeah, we were hoping you wouldn't ask about it cause we kinda...got our asses handed to us."

"..._Really?_ Can't say I'm surprised," I laugh, simultaneously discouraged at having any chance of staying safe here, and amused that the silly vampires are worried about their pride, of all things.

"Hey, now!" Emmett complains, pouting. No doubt because his manly ego just got crushed. Edward scoffs from his corner and sulks, obviously not appreciating the beat down he had receieved at the hands of my kinsmen. Or, well, _paws_ I should probably say.

"Did all of you attack?" I inquire. It seems likely that they would have all attacked at once to overwhelm Ivan and Boris - numbers do play a rather crucial role in tactics.

"Almost," Carlisle chuckles, running a hand through his golden hair. It seems to be a favourite habit of his. "Alice stayed behind to make sure you weren't dead, and the rest of us returned shortly after our...thorough thrashing." _Well at least he's being good-humoured about this. _

Rosalie chuckles, drawing my attention towards her. She's smirking and rubbing the still pouting Emmett soothingly on his shoulder. "I don't know about _you_ guys, but I got some pretty good hits in before they resorted to that little ability of theirs." Her gorgeous face scrunches in disdain. "It was very unsportsmanlike and unfair of them. We could have had such fun..."

"Yeah, maybe, but they still got you pretty good, too," Alice fires back, a twinkle in her eyes. Rosalie just huffs and continues to console the burly vampire next to her, but I can see a slight smile on her lips. Family banter...it's been an age since I've experienced it. I can't exactly say it's entirely pleasant, for all the homesick feelings it inspires in me. Taking a deep breath, I move on to my next question.

"So they just let you go after they beat you back?"

Carlisle nods, repositioning himself by crossing his other leg. "Yes, they weren't too intent on actually defeating us - more like they were sending a message. In fact, they seemed quite eager to get back to what I'm now guessing is the rest of the tribe warriors. Would you know anything about that?"

I rub my face with my hand, sighing. "Yes. They were probably on their way to report to my father, probably to plan a coordinated attack. If we're not careful, they will sneak up on us and destroy you before taking me. Since they figured out that just two were enough to overwhelm six of you together, they will be rightly confident that you guys won't stand a chance against the entirety of them."

A cough sounds from the other side of the room. I look over to see Jasper eyeing me with a general's look. _Uh-oh. _"Yes, Jasper?"

He steps forward a bit to stand next to where Carlisle is sitting on the opposite couch. "I have a proposal, if you're willing to hear it," he quietly and politely responds. His slight southern drawl makes him the picture perfect gentleman...for those who like that kind of thing, of course. I nod at him to show my assent, and he continues, "You keep speaking as if you won't be putting up a fight at all when your tribe comes for you. As a tactician, this puzzles me, for survival should always come first.

"What I propose that you fight alongside us, with your full power." My breath hitches as soon as he finishes his sentence. _I could never..._ "We might be able to stand a chance if you do. Judging by what you've told us and what we saw today, you are clearly very powerful. Why do you not fight back?"

I swallow to try and kickstart my breathing, but it doesn't help. "Jasper..." I whisper, looking miserably down at my feet. "I can't..._do_ that." I hesitantly look back up into his unjudging golden eyes. "I could never."

"But why?" He pushes, clearly dissatisifed with my refusal to fight my tribe, my _family._

I look to Alice and gently disentangle myself from her, ignoring her pleading eyes. The need to leave is overpowering. "I just can't," I say to no one in particular as I swiftly head towards the kitchen door leading out back. "I'm sorry." They call out for me to wait, but I don't stay long enough to really hear it.

* * *

><p>I make sure to divest myself of the clothes I was lended before morphing. The feeling of cool, refreshing rain on my naked skin makes me thrum with pleasure, helping to bury the dark feelings Jasper's proposal had instigated. Nothing compares to the thrill of the hunt, the absolute release of control.<p>

It is both a cathartic and heartbreaking experience for me. Even if I am always more at home with myself when I am in my true form, it is never without an...uncertainty. A fear that I will once again lose control of myself and bring death upon the innocent, like I did to my mother. The forest that surrounds the Cullens' home is a suitable place for me to be alone - humans steer clear of the area, leaving only prey.

As the rain's intensity increases again, I let myself sprint away from the only place in the world that has ever offered me any sanctuary. To run freely, without being under duress, is a magnificent thing. It is even greater when there is a pack to run with, to share in the freedom.

After my time with the Cullens, I can't decide if the pain outweighs the euphoria.

I run for a long time, pushing my body at a pace that requires concentration but is not punishing. The desire to do so is strong, but I know that it would be detrimental to my health to do so. Besides, it's not as if I'm currently being hunted; the tribe is certainly regrouping right now for another round. An image of my father's face, strained and angry, flashes through my mind for a split second. _Oh, daddy. _

As my paws claw up the ground and the storm's intensity increases, I wish to be a little girl again. I wish to be wrapped up in my daddy's arms, safe and sound. I wish to be spoiled and loved with all the affection my parents can muster. I wish to be carefree, to run wild and unhindered in the simple world of a child again.

I wish I had never been born.

_But such is life._

The heartbreak swells higher and higher in my breast, like a storm at sea. Anger, sadness, hatred - it all swirls together until I can't tell which is which. Love? Hope? None exist here, in my heart. They have all been washed away by the justice and cruelty of those I have wronged. Injustice? Brutality? Vengeance? Maybe so. All I can say for sure is that I'm slowly wilting away under everything I have endured these past years. Is it worth it to keep living? To stay under my rightful oppression? I don't know.

I'm just so tired...

~.~

By the time I finally make my way back to the Cullens', the rain is a dull backdrop to the beautiful night. I keep a leisurely pace to try and reign in my dark thoughts, and to enjoy the clear night air. Cold temperatures have always comforted me, even if they always hold a darker side effect on my mood. However, I will always prefer the cold to the warm no matter what my personal feelings may be like.

When the clearing is in view, I see that what is left of Paul's corpse has been washed away. All that remains is the faint odor of shifter and the stains on the ground. I feel nothing as I walk past it without a second glance - that mutt had it coming. The house is silent as I approach, even though most of the main lights are on. Curiosity sprouts like a weed, leading me to carefully sneak to the kitchen window and peer inside. An empty room is all see, including the living room. _Where did they all go?_

I stretch my ears, but still no sounds. Puzzled, I morph back to human and retrieve the clothes from earlier. It's better to be wet and clothed than wet and naked - at least in my book. I can only imagine what they would say if I were to stride in as nude as the day I had been born. Something comical, I would bet. A twinge of sadness interrupts my happy thoughts. I clutch my chest momentarily, unsure of where it came from.

"Bella?"

I turn towards the voice and see Alice standing in the doorway. _How long have I been standing here?_

"Er, yes Alice?"

The little vampire dances closer and peers up to me. "What are you still doing out here? Doesn't the rain affect you?"

I can't help but chuckle at her childlike curiosity. "Not necessarily. I love the cold, and the rain is really refreshing." Taking a deep breath, I close my air and let Alice's scent wash over me. "It's...nice."

Alice's charming laughter makes me smile. "You're a real nature lover! Though I can't say I'm surprised, miss kitty."

"Miss kitty?" I blink down at her. "Are you trying to give me nicknames now?"

Her smile is breathtakingly charming. "Perhaps. Maybe I'll come up with something better with time."

Surprisingly, I start to giggle in what feels like a very long time. It's amazing at how quickly my mood was uplifted by just a few minutes in Alice's company. "Really, now? So is this plan number one to convince me to stay?"

"Ding ding ding!" The little pixie's smile never falters as she links arms with me and drags me into the house. "It's all a part of my charm, you see - no one can resist me!"

Maybe it's the atmosphere, maybe it's just Alice herself, or maybe it's me having my lost my mind - but deep inside myself, I can feel the faintest bits of hope growing. Such a strange feeling.

"So, miss kitty, what would you like to do now?"

_Say what?_ "Pardon?" I blink, staring at her uncomprehendingly. She only grins and tugs me up the stairs with a single destination in mind. "Hold on a second. Where did everyone go?"

The look she throws back at me is mischevious. "Everyone's gone hunting and we have the house to ourselves. You can't possibly tell me there isn't something you've been dying to try out? During the entire time you've been here, all you've been able to do is explain, fight, explain some more, and be injured." Alice starts to wildly wave her free arm around, even as she throws open the door to her room - at least I _think_ it's her room - and drag me inside. "It's time to relax and just unwind. I mean, you probably haven't done it for years, right?"

I frown as she unwittingly reminds me of my tribe and the consequences of my actions six years ago. She seems to realize this as well, as she bites her lip in sudden uncertainty and grips my arm a bit more gently. _Don't you dare pity me, Alice Cullen..._

The silence descends and seems to strangle all of the positive feelings I had managed to accumulate. I have the sudden urge to do something wild to bury the negatives deep inside, out of sight.

"...Hey, Alice," I say softly, the urge transforming into a need. Her golden eyes seem shimmery in the soft lighting of her room, but the effect is gone as soon as I blink. "Would you...teach me how to read and maybe...write?"

The look on her face is priceless, but one I will never forget.

"I would _love_ to!" She squeals, throwing her arms around me and squeezing until I can't breathe at all. "Ooo, this is going to be so much fun!" I am released before I pass out, and she drags me to her bed in the middle of the spacious room. "But first..." She tilts her head to the side and takes in my attire. It was more of Esme's clothes again, since she is the closest to my height. "Have you ever drawn, Bella?"

"What?" The question throws me for a loop, for I had been expecting her to ask me someting about fashion. Her eyebrows raise as she waits for my answer. "Err, no, I can't say I have. Why are you asking me _that?_ What does it have to do with my clothes - which are Esme's, I might remind you - and more importantly, what could it possibly have to do with learning how to read and write?"

Alice only waves my questions and dances over to her large desk in the corner of the room. She opens a drawer and withdraws numerous things: sketchbooks, pencils, markers, colored pencils, erasers, a flat board with a lamp attached to it. _How did _that_ fit in there?_ The little vampire looks ridiculous carrying the giant stack of materials over to the bed, making my lips twitch in amusement. "Alice?" I inquire as she moves at vampiric speeds to arrange everything to her taste.

"Are you left-handed or right-handed?"

"Umm...I think right-handed?"

She pauses in her movements and looks at me incredulously. "You _think?_ How can you not know? It's your dominant hand, and it has a major role not just in writing, but in everything else that you do too!" There's a sudden sparkle in her eye. "We'll just have to test that, as well. Here," she places the flat board on my lap with an open skethbook on top of it, then takes a pencil and arranges it in my right hand to her liking, "we'll have a small test to see. Start to draw whatever comes to mind and check how right or wrong the pencil feels in that hand. When you're sure of that, do the same thing with your left hand. Simple enough, right?"

I look helplessly down at the sketchbook and the foreign pencil. "But, I have no idea what to draw..."

Alice ignores my mumbled complaints and just sits next to me, her own sketchbook on her lap. She begins colouring something in at vampiric speed, but I can't make out what it is. I sigh in defeat as I return my attention to the task she set upon me. In my mind's eye, I keep drawing a blank on any drawing ideas. Frustrated already, I let my mind wander and start scratching random designs on the paper.

While in lala land, I think of what it would be like to finally know how to read and write - of the things I could learn. I also wonder how the tribe would feel about it if they were to ever find out. _Maybe they'll be angry. This part of my education was never completed for a reason. Will I even tell them, the next time they catch me?_ Huffing, I look down at my paper and am surprised the confusing scrawl of...swirls and lines and unidentifiable things. _Oh, crap, I didn't pay attention to how the pencil felt in this hand..._ I glance over at Alice and see she's still absorbed in her own drawing, so I quickly switch hands with the pencil and resume scratching whatever my hand feels like.

After a few minutes, I realize it didn't feel particularly wrong _or_ right, as what I'm assuming my right felt like. "Hey, Alice?"

"Hm?" She doesn't look up from her task, though I know her attention is entirely on me.

"What if...neither feels entirely right?"

Her colouring slows to a halt and she turns to look at me, curious. "What do you mean?"

"Well, neither felt right _or_ wrong. It was more like they were...equal."

My eyes widen as I watch her start bouncing in place. "Ooo! That's because you're probably ambidextrous."

"Ambidextrous?"

"Yup! It means neither hand is more dominant over the other, and you can use both equally. I think it's rather cool." Alice hugs me adamantly, still bouncing. "Step number one is complete! You're making great progress, Bella!"

A sudden feeling of self-satisfaction rushes over me. I grin like a fool - which I _never_ do - and hug her back just as enthusiastically. _I've learned something new about myself. It's a very...pleasant feeling._

The small seedling of hope grows just a little bit more at this revelation.

* * *

><p><em>AN: Well!...long time no see, eh? My deepest apologies. That little thing called life moved in for the longest time, and then since I'm also an avid gamer, Skyrim came along and stole my soul xD; Heh... Anyway! I would first just like to say that I'm really thankful for those of you who reviewed, favourited, added to alerts, etc, over this long pause. You guys rock! I never intended to leave it for so long, but circumstances kept me away. C'est la vie, right? With this chapter, it's more on the light-hearted side as I'm sure you noticed. All the depression of the previous chapters was making _me_ gloomy - and besides that, Bella's beginning her baby steps towards self forgiveness and changing her mindset. It's going to take awhile, obviously, because we can't change how we think overnight. That would be a freaking miracle. Alice is going to be a huge part of this, as will the rest of the Cullen family (even though a few select family still aren't getting good screen time - maybe I'm subconsciously playing favourites for awhile). When will the tribe descend? You'll just have to find out. And as always, if you have any questions about the lore of Bella's species, feel free to ask! It's a little hazy to even me right now, since it's been so long since the last chapter. Maybe I'll make a little chart of the characteristics just to keep track of everything..._

_I hope you enjoyed it! :D And also, I sincerely hope not to have such a long interlude with the next chapter. That would be just cruel. _


	5. Chapter 5

_Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or the characters associated within it. Only the plot, OC's, and reimagined history/species of Bella are my own creation. _

Chapter 5

A single snowflake falls from the sky, twirling gracefully before landing invisibly on the damp ground. More immediately follow in it's wake, slowly but surely covering the dark earth with a sparkling brilliance. It is a sight I have seen countless times before, yet this one seems to hold a special significance. The view through the window is crystalline, leaving myself ample room to observe and marvel.

The sound of a piano slowly filters into the room, gently melding into the silence of the house. It is a song of serenity and yet profound sorrow - a fitting creation for it's master. Heartbreaking, some would call it. If there's anything to be said of the brooding statue that is Edward, he certainly has a prodigious talent with music. From my seclusion within the attic, I slowly let myself melt away into the nothingness that the snowflakes so willingly give themselves up to.

To be at peace nowadays is a wonder that never ceases to amaze me. For years it had been an elusive quality; unattainable. My tortured mind had never let my soul rest, or reach the point of no return that would have allowed me to pass on from this world. Ironic, it would seem, that the stubborness borne and bred into me would become my saving grace from those who raised me.

It's a damned miracle I'm still alive right now.

It's also a damned _shame._

Several days have passed since I arrived here at the Cullen's. It's given me time to think and reflect - things that previously allowed for none of the objectivity that I have acquired now. Granted it's only because of the date, this terrible, horrific _date._ It's beyond impossible that I've found peace today, for the import it holds. Maybe it's some sort of divine joke, to amuse whatever forces hold sway in this world. But it seems they've finally taken pity (continued vengeance?) and sent someone to disturb the serenity of the room...

"Bella? Can we...talk?"

Alice is hesitantly standing at the entrance to the attic, her eyes looking anywhere but at me. It's been a while since I've last seen her so subdued, but I can't exactly say it's a surprise. Ever since those first two days, Alice has become somewhat of a...visual projection of my moods. If I am content, she's her normal, bubbly self; if I am somber, she is quiet and respectful; if I am angry, she is fidgety and anxious; and so on and so forth. It has no real usefulness, since most of the other Cullens avoid me. Alice and Esme are the only ones who will willingly approach me (Carlisle is too busy), but as it is, I do my best to politely avoid Esme. I just...can't handle her right now.

"Of course, Alice," I reply smoothly, turning to look back out the window. Some say winter is a symbol of the destruction of life, and that the coming spring signifies it's rebirth; to watch as the snowflakes continue devouring the remaining green, it makes one want to agree. Death and rebirth, purity and defilement, yin and yang...

"...are you listening to me?"

There she goes again...interrupting my musings. Silly vampire.

"No," I admit, lazily turning my head to meet her apprehensive gaze. It flickers with something like pain before she quickly looks away.

"Bella..." She reaches for my hand, gripping tightly to the point of discomfort. "What's going on? You're not acting like yourself."

I raise an eyebrow, partially amused. Not acting like myself, she says? And just what _is_ myself like? How can she, or I, even say? How much of what I know of myself is a lie constructed over the years that has slowly become truth? _Too much._

The pain returns to her eyes when I don't respond. "I don't understand, Bella. Why...why are you being like this?" Desperation colours her tone.

I turn back to the snow, cloaking myself in my newfound indifference. "Can't really say that it's any of your business. I mean, I know I live under your roof and all, but what goes on with me is for me, and _me_ only..."

The sting of her slap only exacerbates my previous amusement. Her expression is anything but.

"How dare you say that to me, after everything..." Those beautiful golden eyes cut me to pieces a thousand times over with the glare she sends my way, the righteous anger boiling over. "You have no right. No right! You were even making progress...!"

Every stab I receive is entirely worth it, to be deserved.

She continues to rant, eyes digging into my very soul like molten metal. Burning, searing, _tearing._ Nothing less would be tolerated, on a day like today...

When she goes to slap me again, I catch her hand, serious this time. "To be honest, Alice," I interrupt softly, looking back at the snow, "it's partly because I've spent too long as human. My kind never trifles much with powerful emotions - beasts are mainly ruled by their instincts, after all." Her hand is almost soft in my own. She is silent next to me, the absence of sound allowing Edward's haunting melody to filter through the walls once again.

And just like before, I close my eyes to take it all in - soaking up all the negative feelings floating around.

"Today was my mother's birthday, you know," I murmur softly, releasing her hand. There is no reply, and several more moments pass with my eyes still shut to the world.

When I next open them, Alice is gone.

* * *

><p>Soft footsteps alight on the stairs to the attic for the second time this day.<p>

Midday is quickly approaching, and yet I can't make myself move from my post by the window. Watching the snow cover the landscape reminds me of my home in Russia, with the tribe...of all the good times I had there. Of course, without any actual memories, the act of reminiscing doesn't really hold any purpose. Just another thing to torment myself with, I suppose.

A hand gently knocks upon the door panel, unnecessary as the scent of my visitor reached my nose moments ago. The heartbreak ever present on today happens all over again - on a smaller scale, of course - as it is Esme who has approached me now. I would have bolted at the first sign of her presence, but alas, there is no escape.

"Bella?" Esme inquires. She steps into the attic without waiting for a reply, quietly advancing. I hold myself tighter, trying to hold off the waves of pain. Isn't it enough that I'm still alive and suffering, with the blood of my own mother on my hands? Must I bear the kindness of a mother so loving and sweet that she cares even for my wretched self?

"You don't need to stay holed up here all day, sweetheart," Esme murmurs, standing slightly behind me.

Justice can be a cruel, cruel mistress.

Edward's melody continues as Esme waits for a reply. I give her none.

She tries again, this time resting her hand in a motherly, _loving _way upon my shoulder. "You also don't need to keep tormenting yourself with this. It's not very healthy."

I don't care what's healthy and what's not. I don't want _anything_ right now. Just go away.

Go away...

Her hand moves to run through my hair. It's almost more than I can take. "Bella, sweetie." I can hear the concern in her voice. It's too much, too much..._just go away! _"You need to stop this." She tosses my hair behind my ear and leans down to embrace me tightly.

Inner ramblings and wants never adhere to anything unless you voice them aloud. Of course she hadn't even heard my wish for her to leave me alone, which somehow makes her tenderness hurt all the more. This hug is the last straw, and I can't hold it in anymore.

_Not anymore._

Her hold never breaks as I sob and scream into her arms. The words of comfort she whispers never falter as I clench my fists into her back. The love that is constantly radiating off of her never ceases, even under the onslaught of my fists. It is a never ending flow of tears and despair, but only serving as a minor release from the ocean inside. Blessed, _damned_ Esme withstands it all.

But it's too much...

~.~

After much conjoling when my tears had finally slowed, Esme finally convinced me to come back downstairs for a cup of warm tea. It is delicious, but the reflection staring back at me embitters the soothing taste. My guts have stopped twisting around so much, though, so I guess I shouldn't complain. Hating myself has never fixed anything, and it won't start now.

Esme slides into the stool next to me, rubbing my back. "Are you alright now, Bella?"

Alright? Of course I'm not alright... You won't leave me alone.

"Fine," I reply, watching ripples appear in the tea from my breathing. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Action, and reaction. Ripples and ripples and ripples...

"How long have you been holding that in?"

Too long. "Did Alice tell you?"

"She did, yes. I noticed she had been rather anxious all day, so I suggested she go talk to you. However, I realize now that that was a mistake. She was so distraught..."

Pressurized guilt smashes into my already battered heart. Oh, Alice - you silly, silly vampire. Shame on me, the wicked beast.

"What did she say?"

"Only that you needed a mother's touch today, the birthday of your own. I've noticed you've been avoiding me." Esme smiles to soften the statement, but I feel admonishment nonetheless. "It's quite alright. You had your reasons, as was evidenced upstairs." She runs her fingers through my hair again. The sheer amount of kindness within this woman boggles my mind.

I close my eyes, discarding the image of myself in the cup, and take another sip. "I take it she went off somewhere to think, while everyone else is out enjoying the snow?"

"Sharp as ever, I see. That's right, Alice wanted some alone time to process her emotions. Don't feel guilty, sweetheart; something like this was bound to happen, with how closed off you keep yourself, and how close you two you are. Alice is the sort to wear her heart on her sleeve, never afraid to take life head on; dealing with someone like you has, I suspect, confused her a great deal." She chuckles lightly, an amused smile on her lips. "Edward comes close, but you and him are as different as night and day when it comes down to it."

Mmm...can't say I'm surprised that she's noticed as much as she has. But the _extent_ of what she's noticed is almost alarming. I guess I can't say I was as successful as I thought I was at avoiding her. There's only one way I can see to fix this...

"Where did Alice go?"

"I don't know, dear. She has many quiet places she keeps to herself. Why don't you go look for her?"

Must have read my mind.

I start with the backyard first. Alice sometimes likes to lie around Esme's flowers just to 'admire their beauty', as she puts it. However, she is not there with all the snow covering the ground (not that I'd thought she'd be there, anyway). Next, I check every room in the house minus hers. It wouldn't feel right to breach her private space in the middle of this...argument? I don't know what exactly to call it. By the absence of all sounds from behind the door, though, I deduct she is not there. Or at least that's just what I tell myself, to make it seem real.

Searching the forest is not an appealing prospect. I could search for hours and not find her - her scent is everywhere, continuously overlapping with the other vampires'. Plus, I wouldn't be surprised if she knows a few tracking tricks to conceal her passing, especially with the snowfall to cover anything she misses. I haven't the energy to go on a full blown hunt, and I doubt she'd appreciate being hunted down like a wayward child.

So what does this leave me with? Regret, and return to square two. Tea is a wonderful relaxant.

Esme is delighted to warm me up another cup, insisting I not go anywhere and just wait for Alice. Refusal is not acceptable, so I settle down by the window to watch the snow once more. It's so hypnotising. I can barely think straight, weighed down by my pitiful insecurities. The white flakes swirl and dance upon the light breeze, lulling me into a daze. Starting tomorrow, I really need to start spending more quality time as my _real_ self - all these emotions are really getting to me. But for now, I'm just so _tired._ I'll close my eyes for just a second...

~.~

_I can hear a low melody slowly building. It starts very faint, barely piercing through the darkness in which my mind is adrift. But it grows and swells, burgeoning to the heights of clarity and brilliance. A slow burn begins within me, changing and evolving with the song that is slowly taking over my consciousness. Resistance is futile; I have not the strength to defy it. Soon, it is a raging blaze that tears through my very soul. It is ingenious, sweeping through the emotions with no mercy; it demands ironclad obedience to it's whims, offering no respite. _

_And the one feeling it invokes without fail?_

_Fierce__** Longing.**_

Alice...

_The fire burns bright and strong. _

* * *

><p>Upon awaking, two things are immediately apparent: the table at which I had been resting upon is now soft, though I seem to have developed a crick in my neck, and the air is much warmer. I open my eyes to a sight of the living room, turned sideways. It doesn't take a lot of thought power to deduce that I have been moved onto the couch, though the question of how long I've been out still remains. Slowly, so as to not aggravate my kinked neck, I sit up and turn to look at the small vampire sitting in the chair next to the couch. She is watching me with nervous golden eyes, teeth steadily chewing a groove into her lip. I do not speak for fear that I will send her running away again.<p>

The quiet begins to weigh the room heavily upon us when neither of us speaks for a long time. I keep my expression passive, hoping she will take up the initiative. Nothing happens for so long, that when she does speak, I nearly jump out of my skin.

Alice halts her lip biting to stretch her face into a strained smile. "You know, I don't think I've ever seen you sleep aside from when you first arrived here. Is that a beast thing, or...?" She cuts her sentence off, looking suddenly fearful of what she'd been about to say. Though curious, I don't press her.

Clearing my throat, I glance away from her. "You're partially right. It is a beast thing, but only for warriors. As part of our training, we teach ourselves to seldomly sleep so as to better our protective measures. When we do sleep, it is very superficial and does not last for very long. Which, by the way, leads me to my question: how long did I sleep?"

"Just an hour. It's not even evening yet, but it will become dark quicker with the thick clouds still hanging around." She looks away as well, running a finger over a stray thread on her chair arm. "I...I had a vision that you would fall asleep in the kitchen. Since having visions of you are so difficult, I immediately rushed back in my curiosity." I watch closely as her movements become more agitated. "You look at peace when you sleep - more so than you are awake. It was a sight I didn't want to miss."

My eyebrows rise in surprise. I open my mouth to say something, but quickly close it for fear that I'll say something insensitive again. What do you say to something like that? Panicked, I grab for the first inoffensive thing I can think to say. "I'm sorry," I blurt, blinking when she whips her head up so fast it makes my neck throb in sympathy.. "For, um...earlier. For saying all those things to you, when you didn't deserve it." It's my turn now to be agitated, shifting uncomfortably on the plush cushions. Ancestors, emotions are so _messy. _"S-So, is there anything else you want to ask me? About my habits I mean."

Alice quickly shakes her head, still looking at me with a baffled expression. My unease steadily rises. "Would you like to learn how to defend yourself, then?" I rush out, surprising my own self. Defend herself? Where did _that_ come from? And since when do I speak without thinking?

She shares my confusion, now gaping at me in an almost hurtful show of candid befuddlement. "I beg your pardon?"

Taking a deep breath to steady myself, I latch onto this insane idea that had sprang up from the depths of my mind. "Learn how to defend yourself, from my...tribe. You know, teach you and everyone else how to face them. They're bound to show up here sooner or later, and I still have that debt to your family to fulfill..."

"But those two from that first night really, well, kicked our asses." Alice looks like she'd be blushing if she still could. "How could we learn to defend ourselves?"

"You had such trouble because first of all, you've never encountered anything like us before, and second, they sort of cheated using our natural ability. If I were to show you how to not only work around that, but how to counter our natural fighting style, you'd be able to stand on even ground with them. 'Surprise is your greatest ally,' my father used to always say to me during training sessions. By taking an enemy off guard, you potentially negate their defenses and leave them open for attack. That's what happened that night - you were caught by surprise, and were thus handed a solid defeat. If I can successfuly teach you and your family how to fight someone of our kind, you won't have to worry about being surprised."

Alice blinks slowly, taking everything in that I had to tell her. Her expression looks a little worried when she says, "But Bella, won't you feel...conflicted, teaching us how to fend off your tribe?"

I shake my head, suppressing the immediate agreement that had risen. "That doesn't matter anymore. They'll kill you to get to me, and I can't allow that to happen. It also goes against everything they taught me to not give you guys a fighting chance. To not give your enemy a fair fight is considered dishonourable and dirty." What I don't tell her is that my tribe has fallen so far into their hatred of me, that they've discarded much of our traditional values that they always told me to adhere to.

And that's a fact that hurts almost as much as everything else.

_But I mustn't allow thoughts like that to weigh me down._

"So what do you say, Alice? Will you let me teach you and your family?"

The smile in response gives me hope. "It's not really my decision," she says, but holds up a hand to stall my retort. "Let me call Carlisle and see what he thinks of it. He _is_ the head of our family. But," she pauses, cause my breathing to stop, "before I do that, there is one thing I want to ask that I didn't mention earlier."

"And what's that?"

"In the attic this morning, you said you've spent too long as human and that your kind never trifles with powerful emotions. What did you mean by that?"

Relief hits me like a hammer, causing my breath to rush out. That's easy enough to answer. "You should know this, Alice. Do animals feel confusion, love, hatred? Do they dwell on the troubles of their existence, caused only by humans? Do they do anything except live their lives, directed by their instinct?"

"When you put it that way," Alice's brow furrows, her eyes thoughtful, "I don't think they do. But what do I know of such things? I'm just a vampire."

A small smile is upon my face before I can think otherwise. "That's right, you _are_ just a vampire - and a silly one at that, too." Her answering grin makes my own smile grow. "To answer your question, the same principle applies to my species. Since we are beast first and human second, any emotions we feel are of the base level only: fear, anger, contentment, etc. Those who stay indefinitely as their normal forms cannot feel anything else in heightened levels - their instinct and natural higher thinking takes over. But those who keep a happy medium between beast and human can feel the whole range of human emotion - just not to the near destructive level normal humans do.

"Since I've spent too long as human, my capacity to feel strong emotions has increased tenfold. In my present state, I am emotionally equal with a normal human." I grimace, displeased with this fact. "How they handle it everyday, I'll never know. It's damn near driving me _crazy._"

Alice starts laughing, bending over at the waist to clutch her stomach. Her amusement only increases as I fail to see what's so funny. Really, this is no laughing matter! I don't know how to handle this ridiculous explosion of..._feeling._ And to think it's gotten this bad, too!

"I'm sorry, Bella," Alice giggles when she finally calms down enough, "but this is too rich. It's not that bad to feel like a human does. In fact," she grins wickedly, "it just makes everything more enjoyable."

Grumbling and thoroughly irritated, I cross my arms and look pointedly at the grandfather clock on the other side of the room. "Are you done? I'd like to get the matter of your training settled as soon as possible. There's no time to waste."

But Alice only continues to giggle in response before whipping her cell phone out and dialing Carlisle. I choose not to stay for the following conversation, instead leaving out the backdoor. Esme greets me cheerfully as I pass her in the snow-piled garden, so I tell her I'll return in a few hours.

I have _got_ to get handle on myself.

~.~

By the time I return from a very refreshing run, Carlisle has returned and is waiting with the rest of the family in the living room. In light of my previous irritation, I decide to conduct this meeting as my normal self, aside from the fact that it would help drive my point across. They look at me like I've grown a third head when I enter and make no move to morph, instead making myself comfortable on the rug. "_Is everyone ready to begin?" _I project, growling in laughter when they all flinch.

When silence is answer, I continue. "_Good, then let's get started. I assume Alice has informed you all of the reason for this?" _

They collectively nod, still gaping. "_Excellent. So, Carlisle, what is your answer? It would benefit your family tremendously to expand their combat abilities, especially with my tribe certain to show soon. Since you obviously don't want me to leave," _I turn to Alice, who has the grace to look sheepish, "_I feel I must prepare for what is to come. Not only because I am in your debt, but because it is the right thing to do."_

Carlisle runs a hand through his golden hair. "Now hold on a minute, Bella. There's no way to know for sure that the tribe will use lethal force against us - from what you've told us of them, they're honur-bound to not kill us unless we are truly a threat-"

"_You _are_ a threat, whether you realize it or not," _I interrupt, huffing. "_They have become so consumed in their hunt for me that they have lost sight of what they once taught. My time here has given me the opportunity to reflect on their actions and what I've told you. Though it pains me to say it, they are no longer the family I knew."_ My tails begins to twitch back and forth in annoyance. "_They will stop at nothing, even killing a peaceful vampire family that has no real way of defending itself against them."_

"What makes you think that they are so far gone that they'll do that, Bella?" Esme asks, the other family members nodding in agreement. "You've always spoken of your tribe's values so well, surely they would not disregard them so easily."

I growl low in my throat, beginning to get angry. "_You're not listening. Did you not truly believe me that first day when I said they've been hunting me nonstop? Let me paint a different picture for you: Imagine a small home in the middle of a mountain, far away from civilization, with a small family it's only inhabitants. This family subsists off plants grown from the land, spare hunting, and a supply trip once every six months for perishables such as milk, eggs, and meat. The family has two children: a boy and girl, both within a few years of each other. They are learning from their mother how to read and write, while their father teaches them how to hunt. It is a happy existence, undisturbed by the world's troubles._

_"Now imagine a young woman of about twenty years of age, battered and beaten from a recent bout with her tribe. She is badly injured and knows her time at last has come, that she can finally rest. At peace with herself, she lies down in the middle of a forest, not far from this happy home of four. She drifts in and out of consciousness, her pain severe as her wounds slowly heal themselves. It is by a stroke of luck that the husband and father of the home finds her there, slowly bleeding her life out. He takes pity on her, and brings her back to his home to be saved. They are not aware of the misfortune she will bring down upon them, or the pain they will suffer at her tribe's doing._

_"Fast forward a few days. The young woman's wounds are nearly healed, a fact she does her best to conceal from the kind family. All she wants to do is get away as fast as she can, to spare these strangers who blindly took in a murderer. But the wife and mother only clucks disapprovingly at her each time she catches the young woman trying to pack up what little possessions she has. The husband and father only drags her back when he catches her trying to sneak out in the middle of the night. The two children pester her with questions and treat her with the utmost respect, in awe of the young woman's survivability. And so it is that the young woman has no choice but to stay, since she does not want to shatter their sanity by morphing._

_"A week more passes in this manner. The young woman is almost in a panic by now, desperate to get far away before the tribe catches up. But the family only holds on to her tighter the more she struggles. They fear for her mental stability, debating late in the night when they think the young woman is asleep whether or not they should take her into the nearest city to be committed to the state hospital. Howver, the wife and mother always puts her foot down, saying the young woman is only troubled a horrific past - that they need only show her they wish for her to be well. This is the only reason the young woman keeps from drastic action. _

_"Another week flies by. The wife and mother finally manages to check the young woman's wounds herself, and is astounded to see only scars. This leads to confusion and questions of who the young woman really is. Said young woman cannot answer in truth, and so only pleads to be on her way. But at this time it is too late, evidenced by the sounds of approach the young woman can hear so keenly. Panicked fully now, she is on her feet and bounding out the door quicker than anyone can stop her, but it is still too late. The tribe blocks her path just a few steps out the door. _

_"The husband and father yanks her back inside, where he barricades it with shaking hands. He is terrified to be confronted with a large number of Siberian Tigers - so far from Russia! The young woman tries to tear her way out the door, but the husband and father locks her in the basement with the rest of the family. She is unable to cease her crazed tearing at the heavy door, and only becomes more frenzied when she hears the tribe burst into the house. The husband and father screams in agony as he is torn to shreds, and only seconds later the basement is broken in to next. _

_"First the young woman is pulled out, followed by the rest of the family. When the wife and mother tries to intervene, she and the children are torn apart to lie in a bloodied and brutal mess next to the husband and father. The young woman is helpless to stop any of this, held as she is by the tribe. They take her with them, leaving the kind family to rot or be eaten by while animals. It is a sight that is forever seared into the young woman. Does that help clarify my meaning?"_

No one so much as twitches. Completely unsettled now, I continue with my point. This was something I had hoped to never tell them, but I should have known better. If they are so damned intent on keeping me here as that family in the mountain was, they need to know what they're up against. Maybe this will be my final act of atonement, to show the tribe that their hatred has clouded their judgement. Or maybe they will kill me in combat, should it come down to that. _But I could never harm them._

"_They will annihilate you if you just sit here and think they'll do the honourable thing. You need to learn right here and now that they will come out in full force against you, eager for bloodshed. Allow me to give you the tools to even the battlefield. Do we have an accordance?"_

Carlisle slowly nods his head, expression strained. "When do we start?"

I push myself up to stand, stretching out my long body, yawning. "_Now, of course. There's no time to waste. And Alice, I'm sorry, but my reading and writing lessons will have to wait until later. Everyone else, meet me out front."_

* * *

><p><em>AN: What a productive day! Needless to say it's been awhile... Anyway, this chapter starts out rather all over the place with tormented Bella and ends with a confident Bella. We're on our way to self-forgiveness! Also, I didn't mean to make it sound like the tribe can destroy the Cullens whenever it wants because they're so uber powerful - what I meant by that is, when you come across something you've never seen before, you don't know how to defeat it and so you are taken off guard by it. My bad - guess that's my gamer thinking leaking through xD; After Bella gets done with the Cullens, the tribe will lose most advantages and will no longer be able to surprise them. Is there a foreseeable epic battle in the future? Maybe. We'll leave that for later. Next time, though, we'll get some minor action and ass kicking. To touch upon another facet of the Spectral Tigers, the whole emotion thing, it spawned from my frequent wonderings of what emotions animals feel. I mean, do they feel what we feel, or are they instinct-ruled only? If the question has already been answered by science, I did not know of it. But you know, Bella and her species are unique from other animals so the whole emotion thing makes sense. Some food for thought? Til next time, hope you enjoyed!_


End file.
